What I mean When I Say “Good in Bed”

Because I realize that this is a very subjective thing, but there are a few objective facets, namely:

– are you cumming hella hard, over and over, forever and ever?

Okay, if both parties can help each other achieve that, then, cool, it qualifies as good sex. If you can get me there, then, congratulations, you have checked off the first item on my checklist titled, “Is this male bodied human a ‘man’ ?”

But I’m going to give you a cheat sheet, because I know that sometimes making intense eye contact with me while I’m drunk and palavering about whatever nonsense mothball thoughts are filling my head won’t exactly translate into, “Do you know how to fuck me right?”

So here’s a rather vanilla version of how to do it right:

– Sensation. Induce. Sensation. Skin. Fingers. Ears. Ass. Arms. Tongue. Lips. Mouth. Do it. EVERYWHERE.

– Control the situation. Dominate. Participate. Vocalize. Direct. Combat. Fight. Fuck. Have some goddamn passion, for fuck’s sake. If my only function for tonight is to lie here and half heartedly moan for a few minutes – that’s so not what’s up.

– Foreplay. Duh. And not foreplay as this perfunctory thing that we have to get through before you get to fuck me and come on my face. Like, good foreplay. Get into it foreplay. Get me into it foreplay. Legitimate foreplay.

– Make sure your penis is functional. None of this half hard, less than 6 inches, 2 pump chump bullshit. Do it right.

– Be down as fuck. Saying “no” is not sexy, and while consent is even sexier than saying “no” is unsexy, your stupid walls are not very fun to climb. Don’t be boring.

– Woman on top should account for at least 25% of my pre-orgasm fucking. And I’m good at it, too.

– Doggystyle! Especially when there’s that hair yanking, pushing my head into the pillow, immobilizing, degrading, what the fuck style fucking going on.

– Don’t overdo the missionary. It’s a good penetration position, or between REAL positions position, but all this “I’m going to fuck you in a missionary variant position” doesn’t really count as creativity, it only counts as you positioning my legs at various angles that don’t really do anything for me. Come on. Be better than missionary.

– Make me do some gross stuff! 

– Try those weird sex positions. They might not get us off, but think of this as your summer road trip: did you just want to get to your destination? Or did you want to see the weird, kooky townie shit and take your time before you got there?

– Rub your dick all up on that G spot. Feels so good.

– Make me cum! Usually that’s during a “woman on top” position, and mostly I get to be in the driver’s seat, so let me just do my thing. Be patient, please. You can’t rush a good orgasm.

– I will reciprocate this good sex by not stopping as soon as I cum. Rather, I will still freak all up on your dick, and let you fuck me in whatever weird position you want, and I’ll put work in, and I’ll make YOU cum. It goes both ways.

– Cum on my face!