What Do I Have to Do in Order to Qualify as a Bad Person?

“She is bombastically unintelligent!”

***

“He’s really into big boobs.”

“Big boobs? Who’s into big boobs nowadays?”

“Yeah, that’s what I was thinking. Maybe he’s a closet gay and is trying to hide his homosexuality by being into boobs.”

“Or maybe he thinks it’s the 80’s. Like people in the 80’s being into hard bodies. What the fuck is a hard body?”

“Anyone who’s not into asses – very sus.”

***

“I kinda have a crush on so&so. She’s not very special, but I still have a crush on her. In fact, I don’t even know if I find her attractive.”

***

“He’s into dumpster diving.”

“Dumpster diving? Do you mean, is that code for he likes fucking tweakers?”

“No, he’s legitimately into dumpster diving.”

“I don’t know. It just kinda sounds like he enjoys going down on tweaker pussy and getting herpes from it.”

***

“I heard that he just hangs out with his 19 year old girlfriend and bakes cupcakes now.”

“Isn’t he fat, too?”

“Yeah.”

***

“Hey, what’d you do today?” ~me

“Oh, I just watched porn for 7 hours.” ~dude who just showed up at my house for a booty call. 

Then I try to decide if that’s a good or a bad thing. Will he a.) be out of juice and therefore able to fuck me for way longer, or b.) be too tired to and porn’d out to really throw down? Life’s big mysteries.