Things to Be Wary of in Oakland Now That The Winter Cunt Hunt is on

I guess it’s been a couple months since Arianna & I were really, truly 90% single. But now that it’s winter time and everybody else is trying to cuddle up a with a boo, here we are, out on the streets, doing our thing. Here’s a few things to look out for now that utter romantic ruthlessness is ruling the streets you live on again:

– Our DJ night is called “Grand Theft Boyfriend,” which isn’t something to be taken lightly. I mean, sometimes I feel like it’s a shtick that I might be too old for, but then I remember that it’s super fun to fuck other girls’ boyfriends. Maybe it’s a mean thing to do, but, don’t forget, we only fuck the boyfriends of girls we have no respect for. So, just know where you are on that totem poll.

– It’s been a while since the table tops of Ruby Room have been danced on by me & Arianna. Expect us to be fielding free drinks, booty calls and other forms of fuckery in the smoking section at some point soon.

– After the demise of yet another relationship, there are a few things that can be done to boost one’s self esteem. These things include trying to fuck everybody in this city and then succeeding in trying to fuck everybody in this city. You’ve been warned.

– Also known as: rampant promiscuity is the quickest cure for a broken heart, or maybe just a bruised ego.

– We have really good game. And we don’t give a fuck about telling you “no” turning around and laughing at you from two feet away. GAME RECOGNIZE GAME so don’t fuck this up.

– We’ve been going to the gym every week for a while now. So we look better now than we did before, so if you get whiskey dick, shame on you.

– We also tutor kids in East Oakland on how to read so…we’re also good people. In addition to good looking.

Everybody, please, just abide by the rules and wait your turn. Things are going to turn out just fine.