The Truth About Big Fucking Dicks

Okay, we all know what I’m talking about here. You know, when you’re hooking up with someone, and, then, after a delectable unzipping of the YKK zipper on that pair of worn out Levi’s, a little tug and down come his underwear, and, then, there you are, and it’s staring you in the face. About to poke your eye out. His glorious cock, his big, gleaming one eyed snake, and with all the honesty you can muster, you gasp in delight and wonder. Why? Because. It’s fucking HUGE. And not just long, like some dangling rope between his legs, but wide, too. An impressive girth, and as your mouth opens up and your hands go to touch, you already know that this is going to hurt in the best way possible. As it knocks at the back of your throat while you try not to gag on his dick, and you make a mental note of exactly how much your hand doesn’t even completely wrap around his dick. Ah, yes.

Maybe there’s a certain gratitude wafting through your mind as you engage in sexual intercourse with this well hung individual, because heaven knows that a sea of average sized dicks can be tiresome at times. So as you lie back and peel open your sweet, sticky thighs, and there it goes: all up inside your guts. This giant, throbbing organ, with your pussy lips wrenched apart and every inch of every wall in your vagina moaning with feeling, and there you are, flat backed and ecstatic as you surrender to the sensation.

Although. You might not notice it the first time, but after a few times of fucking this God send penis, all of a sudden, you come to realize: wait a second, did he just come? Really fast? Again? Hm. Oh, and, wait, have we only been having sex in missionary position? Every time? Like that’s actually good fucking?

And as you’re lying there, hoping that he throws that used up condom in the trash and not on your bedroom floor (like you asked!), it hits you: this guy has a huge, beautiful cock, but he does not know how to use it. It’s a tidal wave of deception in an ocean of boring sex.

Big dick and bad in bed seems to be a chronic condition among the well endowed members of our society, because very rarely does a well hung man know how to receive criticism on his performance in bed. Guys with big dicks and pretty girls suffer from the same complex: nobody ever takes the time to teach them how to fuck because their egos are too big, and I guess fucking a well hung/pretty person is good enough, anyways, right? Nobody ever teaches them the right way to move their hips, or how to give oral, or that positions other than missionary are pretty fun, too, because who wants to shatter the narcissistic delusion of the supposedly sexual elite? But they’re not really that elite, because, at the end of the day, the rest of us average looking, average sized fuckers are the ones who can handle the criticism, and the feedback, and we don’t have to walk around expecting other people to be grateful to have sex with our only-missionary-sex having asses.

Although, I understand how this can happen. Taking on the role of sexual mentor to someone who already thinks of himself as the center of the sexual universe, or at the top of the sexual totem pole, can be taxing. Crushing someone else’s ego and letting them know that, no, in fact, you are not good in bed despite your dick size, and, also, Santa Claus doesn’t exist, requires a great amount of emotional and sexual investment. Me? I’d rather find someone who is already good in bed than waste my time trying to teach someone whom I’m not even emotionally interested in how to properly fuck a girl. And, yes, I’m aware that this makes me part of the problem, but, I have my own solution, which is mostly just fucking other people.

Which is fine, because, at the end of the day, it’s true: if you don’t know how to use the gifts that God gave you, then it’s your own fault for wasting your talents. Study up, boys.