The Fuck Feast Sexual Literacy Test

And, speaking of call backs and sexual literacy tests, here’s a list of things that I expect a man to ace on the first hook up:

  • Mastery of Attraction So, this is everything that happens before we get into the bedroom. A mastery of attraction means that you have a rudimentary understanding of the female ego, interpersonal communication and lust. A little bit of flattery, well responded to text messages, and flirtation. This is also the mastery of being attractive, so, y’know, take a shower and put on some nice shoes, okay?
  • Ability to get it up This is crucial. Look, if you can’t get it up, that’s fine. You overindulged. Or you’re nervous. Or you’re just no that into this. That’s fine. However, if you can’t get it up, why did you wheedle your way into my bedroom? Why are my clothes off if you can’t perform? I understand that we all can’t be perfect all the time, but being able to get an erection is crucial to fucking, and if you can’t do that, then you’re just not ready for this, honey, and you’re wasting my time. It’s back to the friend zone for you. Unless, of course, you make up for it with copious amounts of oral sex. That’s cool.
  • Oral Sex To be specific, cunnilingus. This is so day one. If you don’t eat pussy, then get the fuck away from me. If you don’t eat pussy, I can’t imagine what else it is that you won’t do. Eating pussy is the most basic move in the book, and if you don’t have this mastered, then who are you and what are you doing with your life?

  • Mastery of Basic Sex Positions This means that I get more than just missionary. You gotta switch up. Show me what you got.
  • Ability to Engage and Communicate If you’re staring at the wall the entire time while we’re fucking, then that’s pretty boring for me. Look at me. Kiss me. Touch me. Desire me. Make me feel pretty. Fuck me like you love me, even if you’re not sure that you like me as a person. Talk to me. Ask me if I like it. Tell me what you want. Be present. Enjoy the moment. Come on.
  • Reasonable Duration So, I understand that sometimes people cum too soon. This just happens sometimes. However, I am not one of those people. In fact, I take a pretty long time to cum, but I’m not going to compromise myself or my good time just because that’s how my body works. What reasonable duration means in this context, outside of premature ejaculation, is either the ability to get your dick hard again after premature ejaculation or the willingness to continue sex play after you cum. Premature ejaculation: that you can bounce back from. Running away and ending the sexual session immediately after: that’s not so cool. If you cum too soon, that’s okay, but I’m a woman, and I know that sex doesn’t end when I cum. Sex ends when we both cum and can’t cum anymore, or when we’re both worn out. So, reasonable duration basically means: the amount of time that you’re willing to put into fucking regardless of when the orgasms come. I rarely hit my upper limit of reasonable duration, but I have seen the lower limit too many times.
  • Attention to Orgasm Act like you give a fuck about my orgasm. At least pretend to be into it. If you have no idea what’s going on with my orgasm, it kind of shows, and I don’t really like it. If you wanna be clued into what’s going on with me and my orgasm, just ask! That actually goes a long way. Caring means a lot. It doesn’t necessarily happen on the first hook up, but giving a fuck is very special.
  • No Squeamishness! Look, we are two naked, writhing, sweaty bodies. Every bump and every bruise and every scar and every inch of skin and every unpleasant lump of fat and all the unsightly body hair are being laid bare right now. We’re covered in sweat and pussy juice and spit, and maybe piss and blood and shit and puke come into the mix, too. If you’re uncomfortable with the naked body and all its imperfections and all its reactions to pressure and stimulation and pain and pleasure, then sex might not be for you. Sex is fucking gross and messy. My make up runs when I have sex. My hair looks awful. There are odors and tastes. If you’re going to be disgusted by my naked body and the noises and odors and juices it produces, then you might want to go take an anatomy class so you can figure out what all this shit is.
  • Balanced Boundaries Some people have sexual boundaries that are way too claustrophobic for me, and basically they’re not really willing to do anything fun. Other people have sexual boundaries that are way, way far out there, which is cool, but if you’re having sex with someone for the first time, there’s only so much that you can expect from your partner. So have balanced boundaries. If you’re saying “no” to everything (eg oral sex, anal sex, doggy style, hair pulling– all the basic stuff) after having said “yes” to sex, your boundaries might be too claustrophobic. I’m going to respect the fact that you say “no,” but I’m never going to call you again. On the other hand, if you’re trying to get me to do water sports, roman showers or hentai – you know, the advanced stuff – that might be a bit overwhelming. Let’s all be open minded but respectful of what we are and aren’t willing to do.
  • Proper Sexual Etiquette Don’t be weird. Don’t be creepy. Don’t be mean. If you want to spend the night, ask. Sleep overs aren’t a given anymore. Just be polite. Don’t throw the used condom on the floor so I can find it tomorrow morning like a squishy, slippery reminder of the night before. Don’t guzzle all my booze. Don’t throw a temper tantrum when I don’t cook breakfast for you. Don’t follow me around all day the next day. Just, be a decent person. Don’t cock block me when you see me out with another guy after you didn’t get a call back. Do things like say “hi” when you see me out in public next and take all your stuff when you leave my house. Don’t be a jackass. We just had sex. Act like a normal human being, please.
  • Points for Creativity This is more like your extra credit category. While we can’t go straight to advanced stuff on the first fuck, if you can convince me to start going there, I’ll be impressed. If you can get me to squirt, hella points, dude. If you give me multiple orgasms, fuck yeah. If you break out the sex toys, I’m into it. Light BDSM with full communication and consent? Very hot. Sex in public? Three ways? Fetish wear? Are you an ace at dirty talking? Okay, you got my attention. Good job. If you can successfully incorporate the fun stuff into a first fuck while we both feel comfortable and are having a good time, then, yeah, you’re getting a call back. Sometimes the fun stuff can feel a little forced, like it’s happening just because someone thinks it’s cool, but the fun stuff on top of everything mentioned above? Oh yeah. I’m down.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what it takes to get a call back. Sure, sometimes there are exceptions, and I try to be patient with people as they master these steps. Y’know…no pressure.

28 comments » Write a comment

  1. Pingback: e[lust] #75 | Sex Is My New Hobby

  2. Pingback: Elust #75: On Filth, Sex, Death & More - Malin James

  3. Pingback: Sexy Goodness: e[Lust] #75, including I Belong to You | | Butchtastic

  4. Pingback: Elust #75 - HappyComeLucky

  5. Pingback: [e]Lust #75 - Behind the Chintz Curtain

  6. Pingback: Our Photographer post made it on E-lust. | M and J's Adult Toy Reviews

  7. Pingback: E-lust #75: The Denim ad, complicated fantasies, and a lonely back | The Shingle Beach

  8. Pingback: » celibacy, fraud, and cheating: october- e[lust] 75

  9. Pingback: elust #75 | Domme Chronicles

  10. Pingback: Best Sex on the Net: Elust 75 - Superotica

  11. Pingback: E[lust] #75 - A Dissolute Life Means...

  12. Pingback: Elust #75: All the Sexy News Fit to Print! - Jade A. Waters

  13. Pingback: Elust #75 | Sweet Woman, Dirty Mind

  14. Pingback: ELust 75 | The Other Livvy

  15. Pingback: e[Lust] #75 | Switch Studies

  16. Pingback: Elust #75 Is Here! #SexBloggers - Jolynn Raymond's Dark Obsessions

  17. Pingback: e[Lust] #75: The one with ‘On Rape Fantasy’ | Sex blog (of sorts)

  18. Pingback: E[lust] No. 75 | f dot leonora

  19. Pingback: e[lust] #75 | sexlifeofangels

  20. Pingback: E[lust] 75: The giant squirt and the luminous rabbit (not included) | Jerusalem Mortimer: Between the Lines

  21. Pingback: Elust #75 - Carnal Chameleon

  22. Pingback: Elust #75

  23. Pingback: Elust #75 ⋆ Heaven's Playground

  24. Pingback: Elust #75 - Rebel's Notes

  25. Pingback: Elust #75 | Exhibit A

  26. Pingback: Elust #75 | Literary Wench

  27. Pingback: Elust #75 – Molly's Daily Kiss

Leave a Reply

Required fields are marked *.