The Fuck Feast Guide to Whether You Should Fuck That Guy You Know You’re Not Supposed To

~because Teen Vogue isn’t breaking it down with enough realness~

Society is constantly telling us, among other things, that there are certain people that we just shouldn’t fuck. It’s rude, it’s embarrassing, it’s desperate, it’s imprudent, it’s social suicide, it’s politically catastrophic. Well, you know what? Just because you shouldn’t fuck him doesn’t mean you can’t, and because it’s someone you shouldn’t fuck, you know what that means: it’s probably fun as fuck! So, we’d like to give you a quick guide to the pro’s and con’s of fucking that guy that you just know you shouldn’t. (Warning, this is kinda gross. I know, right??)

Your Sister’s/Best Friend’s/Mom’s/Roommate’s Boyfriend (or, even better, Husband!)

They call it sloppy seconds for a reason, but let’s admit it: if you’re in your 20’s, you’re always going to be someone’s sloppy seconds. So don’t let that reason stop you. On the other hand, nothing tastes better than forbidden fruit. The only downside to fucking homegirl’s main man is that you have to be ready to completely forfeit your friendship, and, like any break up, you might find that some of your formerly mutual friends are taking sides that might slightly ostracize you. If you’re just hanging out for a one night stand, you can always rectify the situation with the whole, “Sluts before Fucks! Don’t let men come between us!” bullshit. If you’re going for a full on relationship – well, you can’t get mad when he starts fucking your other best friend. So, before you go down this path, ask yourself: is his dick worth it? I mean, homeboy better be throwing down something fierce in the bedroom. And if he’s not, then revert to the “Don’t let men come between us” bullshit. It might not work, but it also might work. Be prepared to wear the “homewrecker” mantle for a moment, you scurrilous cunt, you!

Your Boyfriend’s Brother/Best Friend/Roommate/Coworker

Damn girl, you are scandalous! Well, this is a classic move. You’re basically pulling a flip on the above mentioned situation. And unlike some girl-on-girl animosity, fucking your boyfriend’s homeboy brings on a whole different set of problems. First of all, how egomaniacal is your boyfriend? There’s a pretty high chance that he’s going to dump you – the whole “Don’t let another man come between us” line has never, in my memory, worked. Instead, assess the probability of your boyfriend’s urge to hit you in the face. Yes, I said it, because we all know that men just love hitting women. You’ll also want to assess the probability of your boyfriend’s urge to hit homeboy in the face, at which point I would strongly urge you to err on the side of caution and stay fucking the dude who can win the fight. Remember, if this is a one night stand, they’ll probably mend their friendship and write you off as a trick ass one night stand. If you’re going for full blown relationship, best of luck to you, because you’re banging someone who’s down to fuck over his brother/best friend/coworker/roommate for a piece of pussy.

Your Coworker or Boss

The good news is, if you play this right, you might be able to sue your job for sexual harassment after the break up. The bad news is, if you decide to be “honest” and tell HR of the affair, you risk getting transferred away from your boo. The other good news is, it’s way easier to fulfill your fantasy of getting fucked in the board room, office, walk in cooler, stock room, etc…, which, let’s admit, that’s pretty hot.

Your Roommate

You’re drunk, he’s drunk, you’re all drunk all the time, and that sexual tension is undeniable, so, eventually, at some point, you’ll wake up, slightly nauseous, mostly naked, and in his bed. Okay – what next? Hopefully he isn’t some emotionally clingy, immature asshole who deals with the situation by a. assuming that all of a sudden you guys are a married couple living together, living and breathing every moment together, and happily ever after! or b. treating you like shit and bringing over a slew of 18 year old floosies that he loudly fucks in a way that only you can hear her nasty, unpleasant moans through the wall. The fact of the matter is, eventually one of you is going to move out, and even if you deal with the situation maturely, either by maturely admitting to the mistake of a one night stand, or continuing to occasionally drunk fuck, or by trying out that dating thing – the probability of veering immediately into a mature dating scenario that includes healthy boundaries and ends up happily in match made in heaven is pretty low. Proceed with caution, and be prepared to put in your 30 days.

Your Cousin

Wow. Look at you. Going for incest! And that’s pretty much all I have to say about the subject: it’s incest. Maybe the concept of incest gives you the hugest boner ever, in which case you’re totally prepared to defy the social stigma and also what will your parents say?? If you’re not ready to deal with the unholy shit storm of being “that girl who fucks your cousin,” then it’s probably not worth it. You might want to check your state’s legal cousin removal, just for your own piece of mind, and, also, god damn, girl, you are a freak! Good for you.

That Random Ass Married Guy

Just do it. You’re young. You’re pretty. If it’s not you, it’s gonna be someone else, because, let’s admit it, the married guy isn’t so concerned with fucking you, or having a relationship with you, you as a person. The married guy will fuck anyone who’s willing, so don’t believe him when he tells you you’re pretty, and you made the whole room stop, and he hasn’t felt this way about anyone ever, not even his wife. The fact of the matter is, you’re the girl who was willing to fuck a married man, and he still has his wifey at home, and his kids, too, and a divorce would be so messy, and what is he going to do? Marry someone who’s 23 years younger than him? Nope. Not happening. Just keep that in mind when you’re fucking a married guy. Fucking a married guy is less a reflection of your paucity of morality and more just a force of nature, so don’t feel bad. In fact, feel good! Because that’s what sex is all about. Pleasure.