The Friend with Benefits Fallacy

Friends with benefits are an awesome thing to have, but often times you hear people saying, “It won’t work out, you’ll just develop emotions for each other.” This is, might I say, grossly inaccurate, so I’d like to share my fuck buddy policies with the rest of you out there:

1. Attraction & Compatibility – Of course, you want a fuck buddy that you’re attracted to and compatible with. Someone who’s on the same page of “Let’s be emotionally distant yet still able to acknowledge each other’s existence at various parties and then be sensitive to the fact that we are both trying to find someone else to fuck at this party, but if we both can’t find someone then we’ve got each other.” Avoid having a fuck buddy who is generally more attractive, intelligent or successful than the average person you fuck, as this might arouse feelings of, “I could do this long term.” You need someone ordinary. Average. Run of the mill. Not too special. Useable. Someone you don’t feel guilty about ditching the next day, and someone who isn’t better than the person you’re going to fuck right now.

2. Frequency – If it’s more than twice a week, you’re in trouble. Once every two weeks to occasionally twice a week is what I go for. Frequency of text conversations are about that, too, and are limited to cordial, polite, succinct text messages as to arranging a time and a place. None of the filler “r u going to xyz party?” or “how’d that interview go?” Because that’s not what this is for. This for occasional rocks off fucking. Not a personal assessment of the other person’s feeligns and emotions and wellbeing in life.

3. Intimacy – Say not to cuddling. That’s just how it is. No hand holding, no lavish compliments, no gifts, no dates, no dinners, no breakfasts. Occasional coffee meet ups are totally acceptable, as are movies as a preclude to an evening of fucking. Drinks bought at bars can go either way, but should never be expected. Basically, no financial investment of any sort should be expected. He doesn’t need to meet your friends or be cool with your roommates. There shouldn’t be frequent Facebook chatting unless it goes under the “frequency” circumstances stated above. No Tumblr cross posting, no Twitter mentions, no need to like everything he does on Facebook. Keep it simple. Be distant. No PDA in public, ever, unless you’re both too drunk to remember that rule. No kissing after sex. 

4. Other Partners – This is where most people go horribly wrong. It is IMPERATIVE that you have other partners. What’s the point of a fuck buddy anyways? The fuck buddy is an excellent tool to use as distraction from other lovers. As a way to not seem to desperate or available. Rather than texting the guy you have a crush on, text your fuck buddy. Rather than fucking the dude you’re dating, fuck your fuck buddy. Within the relationship context, it helps give you an air of mystery and unattainability, which is always good. If you’re not dating anybody, find another fuck buddy. Keep it interesting. Have a one night stand. If you’re not fucking other people, it leaves you too susceptible to the development of emotions. Forego all that. Even if things with other sexual partners go south, I generally give myself two weeks tops of having sex with only my fuck buddy. So, keep that in mind.

5. Duration – As in the the length of the relationship, silly. A short amount of time is always a viable option, but after a few months it’s time to reassess what’s really going on here. After 6 months of fucking, do you still not really give a fuck about this person? After a year, is it still easy to break it off for another person? This is something you should acknowledge and keep track of as times goes by. Always cut it off before it gets too emotionally involved. Know your limits.

6. Ability to Achieve Emotional Distance – Because, as a continuation of what I was saying with the duration portion, you might find yourself veering towards the desire to enter a relationship with this person. You might get attached. You might get emotions. At which point, you have to ask yourself – what about the other person? Are you going to suffer supreme rejection, then the ensuing loneliness and sexual frustration of losing a connection with a reliable, consistent, pleasurable fuck buddy? Weigh these consequences. Proceed with caution. Then fuck some other people in order to make sure that you can still achieve some emotional distance. Chances are that the other person is going to be right in step with maintaining a sexually unemotional relationship, so it’s best to either end it there or check yourself.

7. Ability to Achieve Orgasm – This should probably be #1, but isn’t it obvious? Why fuck some dude that doesn’t make you cum? Duuuuhhh. There’s no other reason to have a fuck buddy.

And that, dear friends, is how it’s done.