[Thank you to Heathurzzz for this brave, brave inaugural guest post!! So good!]
Ok so, it was 2010. I just moved into this warehouse in East Oakland. My house was hosting a party for our friend Ashley’s 24th birthday show. I’m working the door trying to hustle kids to kick down $$$ for the touring band. When all of a sudden this fantastic babe fresh to Oakland comes tow ork the door with me. He’s a nice looking white boy, not jaded as fuck and excited to a DIY show happening on a weeknight.
“Hi.” he says, “My name is Rick. I just moved here from Bakersfield. I get unemployment from my last important job working at a pizza place. My boss was cool enough to fire me. So I just make music and collect umemployment.”
“Sweet!” This boy is new, untainted, none of my friends of fucked him – yet. I inquired “WANNA GO TO MY ROOM AND MAKEOUT!”
GIRL IT GETS WORSE. Dave from American Splits overheard my whole courtship to this fine white boy. Dave was rollin and was kind enough to collect donations at the door for us. Rick and I go to my unfurnished room in the warehouse and began making out. He wasn’t the best kisser, fuck. This white boy used his teeth like a fucking cheese grater 5 or 10 mins go by i thought to myself, I’m just gonna get it over with and blow him instead. I unbuttoned his pants, grabbed his cock and lo and behold…..
Now, whenever you google images for STD’S or STI’S, Google search brings you the bowels of the Internet. There it was. I’ve worked at Planned Parenthood and never ever ever ever ever ever seen anything quite this bad. Oh it gets worse. Like dick wrapped in bubble wrap. The worst case of warts I have ever seen. Yeah, it gets worse. That dick was fucking coated in warts.
I take a step and had to collect my cool. Rick looks astonished.
“Oh… um… You have warts.”
“No, I was born with it!”
“Nuh uh. You have warts. Unlike Bakersfield, we’re here in the Bay. Go to Planned Parenthood or the free clinic. Here lemme give you some numbers. There are so many resources to choose from!” I shrieked, “How did that happen to you?!”
No, srsly I couldnt be like ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww. That would have been rude. Instead, I gave gim a pamphlet for all the clinics. As Rick was getting dressed the money from the door feel out of his pocket. I took the money, got dressed, kicked him out of my room. The show was over, and my housemates began making fun of me. They had seen me running in my room with the fine white boy. I emerged out of my room horrified. I kept a stoic front, gave the money to the touring bands.
And kept my mouth shut about it for over two years. Until now.
Oh the white boy succumbed to heroin and was kicked out his band. Now lives in Pleasanton….