rejection

And I’m waiting for the moment that he looks me in the eyes and says something that matters. Although, I might have to wait forever.

You know that feeling, when you look at another person, and you see that they have something to say, but they just don’t have the courage to say it. It’s an oninasm of the ears that I’m experiencing right now, and frequently people use alcohol as a way to lubricate the sensation that by saying nothing and just hoping for the best everything will be okay.

But it won’t be okay. Because I’ll just be here, and the longer I’m here, that’s the longer that I’m not *there*, which is where I’d rather be. People fuck up all the time. I fuck up all the time. There’s nothing that can’t be forgiven right now, and I’d rather spend less time checking my text messages and hoping for those words that say those things that matter and more time feeling that I’ve been told those things that matter. Because the longer I wait the more I think that it’s never coming. And if it’s never coming, then I might as well deal with that now and move on.

I’m suffocating with desire.

The thing that I think is delaying it is the fear of rejection. I see it, I can feel it flourishing among these circumstances, and it pains me to smell it wafting through this room that we’re both sitting in. I know, because I have rejected people before, and I have been rejected, and I am familiar with that particular brand of pain. Of course it hurts. That’s why it’s called pain. The thing, though, this time, is that I’ll probably say yes. So here I am, sitting in this room on the bed and looking back at you with this unhesitant yes just itching in my pocket, and I’m waiting to give it to you, but I know that you’d rather not find out that it’s a no at the cost of never even asking. But I have this yes I want to give to you, it’s beautiful and resplendent. I have this yes that I think you’ll enjoy putting in your mouth and rolling around on your tongue and chewing and swallowing. I have this yes that will rocket around your belly and it will make you feel satisfied and full, because after you take this yes that I have to give to you, you can take me, which is better than any yes I have ever given to anybody else ever before.

Of course, they told me that I could jump the gun and I could ask you instead of you asking me. But that’s not how it’s going to work today, and I’m not giving you the easy way out, because if you’re the type of person who doesn’t have the courage to ask me then I don’t really want you anymore anyway.

You’re so afraid of the no that I would never even think about giving you, and it’s killing both of us.