a picture of me djing @ ruby room, just to indulge my narcissism
Which just about says it all. She, sweeping in celestial across the gutter stained party. Like on wings, but better. Quick jab glance across the room, eyes, so eyes, murder eyes, love me eyes, round, soft, buttery eyes, from which depths flow the screamingness of everything inside her. Not a shrill sound, but, rather, just the sheer loud, volume of everything inside her, everything that you’d probably like to know about but you just can’t seem to translate it. She, creature, she, beast, she, animal, she something that is completely not human but inside that lithe body, underneath those billow clothes, among all the everyone elses who are gracing this poorly lit, slightly sweaty room, in this building in this city in Oakland.
She seems so unprepared for the brutality of the world around her. For the meanness seeping from everyone else who stands in this very room. All the cutting remarks that everyone will say about her when they get home, a sneering jealousy, the vitriol of bitter minds flaying every last aspect about her that they can. A failure to perceive anything even close to perfection, but these are the type of people who, like worms, would see the world dead for their last meal. How she can stand among it is inconceivable, how she’s not melting from the heat of pure hatred is hard to understand, but she walks among them with the poise of next year’s savior. Because there’s absolutely nothing naive about her, but the courage inside of her that protects her from all of this. The virtue inside her, still smeared in the hues of this city, and in the language of all of us, she looks like exactly everything that is beautiful about violence. She is the glory of death. She is the wisdom of failed dreams. She is the sound of a soul leaving a body. She has taken everything ugly about this world and defeated it by not succumbing to it. She knows how to lie in the most beautiful way possible, she knows how to steal to make the world a better place. She is no one’s hero, but she is our hero because it takes courage to abandon the world for the world. She has no ego.
Striking. She is striking as she walks through this room, and speaking to people the way that people should be talked to. She’s no better than the rest of us. She is one of us. Which is the thing that makes her so unfathomable, that someone like anyone else in this room could achieve such great heights of otherworldliness. Could be so godly. Could take anything that anybody in this room was given and turn it into absolutely everything she has become, in every way that she says the things she says, that she thinks the things she thinks, that she does the things she does. Which absolutely nobody else in this room could possibly do, not even if they tried.
Reeking the confidence that none of the rest of us have. But they can’t see it because they’re blind to their own ignorance. That’s okay, the grace she possesses is reserved for another world, but in the meantime, for those of us who know exactly what beauty in our midst looks like, we can imbibe it while we still can.
And she can fuck her away across this room, and she can dive down into the depths of depravity with the best drug addicts around, and she scum her way through the rest of life, but immortal as she is right now, clean, that is how we will remember her. Before the demons of everybody else’s desire to possess her and control her and dominate her and own her has taken over her life. Raped again. And again and again and again until the world has convinced her that, no, instead, she should be the one to rape the world.
None of us can save her from the terrible things she is going to do to us.
There’s something pleasantly delightful about wearing this bodysuit that is slightly too small for me. Tightly wound up, panties in a bunch, and I’m squirming just a little bit with my garter belt on and if it weren’t so warm I’d don one of those fur coats over there, then smoke cigarettes and masturbate, except that somebody once said that good things come to those who wait. So I’ll wait to come, which is whenever he decides that I might be awake, and he can come over, and while whatever euphemistic hangout terminology he threw at me last night might no longer suffice, just so long as he fucks me it’s all good.
It’s probably a good thing that I don’t have a real job. Only out late slinging drinks at people whose leeringly lecherous eyes are so consistently unavoidable. As I meander around behind the bar and try to make everybody think that in some way, yes, of course, yes I want to fuck you, just as a means to get a man to buy another drink and spend another dollar, and even if all I get is just the tip, well the bigger the tip, the better. Wading wearily through limpid conversations, and the pleasant art of leading someone through a conversation wherein all they do is talk about themselves. In some way my job is just to jack off other people’s egos, which, when I’m feeling particularly forlorn, I liken to some form of emotional prostitution, but when I’m feeling casually euphoric about my life I refer to it as some high brow conceptual actressing.
Anyways, I know I won’t be busy tonight, but on the nights that I am busy, I’ll probably spend the entire day biking around from here to there, buying things that I think will make me look pretty, because if I look pretty then maybe someone will want to fuck me. Although the only reason that I’m biking around today is because I have a slight inclination that nobody will be coming over at three in the afternoon to tell me that I’m dirty then fuck some sin back in between my legs. So today is another day when I feel lonely, so today is another day that I’m obsessively checking all text messages and Facebook messages and Twitter interactions, and quickly calculating in my head the amount of social interaction I will have to do with him before it becomes socially acceptable for me to throw my body on his crotch.
I don’t want him to love me, I just want him to fuck me. And fuck me and fuck me and fuck me and fuck me. Although I’m not sure if that’s entirely clear to him, because from what I’ve garnered about how other females interact with other males, the fact that I’m constantly texting him and asking him what he’s up to seems to imply, in his mind, the possibility that I want to date him. But, no, that’s not it, I don’t want to hear about his day or his problems or his friends, and I especially don’t want to hear about the other girls that he’s fucking, because even though, yeah, I’m fucking other people, too, tacit hook up etiquette states that one should never speak of the other people one is hooking up with until the eventual, “Are you seeing other people?” Because up until that point, it’s all just fair game. And I promise I’ll never ask that, because I never want to be his girlfriend, I never want to be his wife, I never want to be his mistress, I only want to be his lover. Sometimes I wonder how he feels about me using him for sex, but as one of my girlfriends once so eloquently put it, “What is he going to say? Oh, she used me for sex, she didn’t take me out to dinner or watch a movie with me, she just fucked me. Boo hoo.”
Some people think it’s a charade. Most people don’t really believe that this extreme emotional paucity can in any way be genuine, and while I admit that at some times it would be nice to have a lover that I could actually love, I’m painfully aware of the fact that a lover I don’t have to love is much more practical. Several of them, actually, because there’s some dark, animalistic urge swelling deep inside me that demands that I get fucked every god damn day of the week. Two or three times day, preferably, and while, yeah, I do need time off occasionally so my body can recover, if I had the time and I never had to work I would probably just lie around all day and watch X-Files and fuck and sleep. But I have to work, so I can’t fuck nearly as often as I’d like to, which I constantly find myself apologizing for, because heaven knows my friends have to deal with the erratic manic neediness that ensues from a chronically unfucked me. But I’m always a chronically unfucked me, so God bless my friends, and a middle finger to all the boys that I’ve been fucking recently because how is it possible that 100% of all the boys I’ve ever dated (or fucked, pick your preferred terminology) always withhold sex from me? Why is that a thing?
So I sigh and I check my text messages again. And I fantasize about getting fucked in the ass. And I fantasize about him coming on my face. And hands on skin, when will it begin, because I’m just itching and I just can’t wait. One of my guy friends once asked me how often I come when I fuck, and I told him, “75%” which, admittedly, was a generous estimation, but if you skew it to, “how often I come when I’m fucking someone that I’m not having a one night stand with and also if I’m not drunk” then 75% is a pretty accurate estimation, even if 68% is slightly more realistic. It was just weird to me to hear a boy ask me that question, because I knew that behind that question was the reality that whatever new girl he was fucking wasn’t really coming, ever. Which immediately made me feel sad, because what kind of girl doesn’t come during fucking? Granted, if he has a small dick, or he comes too fast, or he just has no clue what he’s doing, then it’s just not happening, but if a dude knows how to fuck and you’re still not coming, well then, what are you doing with your life?
Ugh, he still hasn’t texted me. Fuck.
And maybe by now you’re wondering, who is he? Hah, well the answer to that one is easy. He’s anybody. Literally, anybody.
She walks around like she thinks she’s beautiful, but to the rest of us her gait just belies a cringe worthy existence steeped in shuddering delusions. As she stands so smugly amidst a circle of of friends, who at the ripe age of early 20’s have donned appropriately snug and/or see through garments to reveal both a nicely fuckable physique and a barely tolerable lack of personality. She, on the other hand, with large arms just slightly too chunky to be considered pleasantly plump and a bulging neck, all sheathed beneath the sneaky cotton jersey con of some black tent dress. I think at one point she used to be skinny, but I can’t remember when that was, and her face with a few extra pounds no longer strikes anyone as cute. Sure, she has an ass, but in order to get to the point where you could actually enjoy sticking your dick in it, you’d have to interact with that fat face for probably much longer than is bearable.
Sometimes my friends tell me not to be petty, so in lieu of that I’ll stop talking about what six months of lazily eating top ramen and peanut butter will do to a 21 year old girl’s body. Rather, let’s talk about the shitty personality that waits behind the last year’s American Apparel “basics” and unbearably squishy body. I kind of don’t even know where to begin because I have no idea how she grew into this scathing, selfish banshee, but have you ever met somebody who will scream and cry and point fingers and cast blame and create as much of a scene as possible just to get her way? I’m not talking about toddlers here, I’m talking about grown ass adults. The type of person who will just never shut up about her problems and gets off on being a perpetual victim. Even if it takes holding onto every last thing you say, skewing it so it’s pretty much not an accurate depiction of reality and blowing it out of proportion. She’s the type of person who will do or say anything just to drag everyone who doesn’t agree with her into her grey, hopeless vortex of unhappiness. Because heaven forbid she is the only one wallowing in her own self made misery. She resorts to such cliche and tired and consistently transparent tactics such as getting back together with her abusive ex-boyfriend and then blaming it on friends who haven’t been paying enough attention to her. Constantly griping to anyone who will listen that she needs to hang out with “better friends” beause the ones she has now, has had for years, and have stuck by her side through thick and thin, somehow aren’t good enough. But I’m sure you see through that just as much as I do – it isn’t her friends who are to blame or aren’t good enough, it’s just an externalization of her own personality dirth. Apparently she sucks so much that she can’t even stand herself and has deluded herself into believing that her among different people somehow makes for a less shitty her. But she’s wrong. She’s the type of person you can incessantly find spewing out vitriol about her enemy du jour. The type of person who always has an enemy, will go through great lengths just to get one because if she weren’t thriving on constant negativity and the validation of the pity she forces her friends to feel for her, she would buckle under the sheer weight of having to operate like a normal human being and caring for her friends and taking care of her shit. Self involved is a very benign way to describe it, but on some basic level it is accurate. I have seen her willfully allow her dog to shit and piss all over the house she lives in, creating a health hazard not only for herself, her dog and her best friend but also for her three other roommates she had no qualms with merely because she was upset at her fourth roommate. Do you know how awful it is look at shit and piss all over your house every day? How nauseating and disgusting it is? The shit building up over a month to the point that there are shit smears and shit particles under foot from front door to back kitchen. Childish and immature is just the beginning of the description of her behavior, but pathological, filthy and cruel fit in there somewhere, too. All this amidst her ceaseless crying and yelling about god knows what…anything? Probably exactly anything she could come up with.
This is the type of girl who will demand an apology when you call her (accurately, I might add) “a bitch” and then in the next breath hurl such uncreative and inaccurate epithets as “you’re just a child.” Even her insults are as tired and boring as she is. When caught red handed stealing a $2000 Dolce & Gabbana dress from an estranged friend, whom she had ostracized by letting her dog shit in her friend’s bedroom, she somehow manages to back peddle the conversation into a screaming match about some inane, irrelevant issue she had with said friend last week. And even though she has been caught in the act, she won’t even apologize. If you manage somehow to painfully extract an apology from her, expect for her to retract it immediately. I have not once, ever, since I’ve known her, heard her use the words ‘please’ or ‘thank you.’ If you ever do hear her utter those words, please catch it on camera because my incredulousness will be insurmountable.
Of course, now that you’ve read this, you may be wondering, “Who is this fat, egregious, terrible, dirty banshee-cunt and where can I go to slap the shit out of her?” Well, no, I’m not going to stoop that low, this is just another caustic rant. No names will be mentioned in the forging of this battle prose.
However, if you already know who I’m talking about…well, I’m sure that means that you’ve already had to suffer through the insufferability that is her existence on this planet. I’m sure that if she ever gets a hold of this, it will mean that there will be much wailing & gnashing of teeth emanating from those shit smeared lips. My advice? Just roll with it. If anything, I know she secretly loves the attention that this rant will afford her. That’s why she fucked with me in the first place, right? Because she knew I’d write a catty article about how much she sucks. Because she knew I’d write a catty article about how much she sucks. Because this piece means that she can run up to anyone with two operational ears and cry them a sob story about how she’s just the victim of some bully who knows how to use the internet and please shower her with pity and attention so that she can feel her existence has been somehow validated. I’m sure at the end of the day the thing that would give her the most pleasure in this world would be if I were to actually hit her, because then imagine how much attention she would get! And she’ll just feed and feed and feed and feed and feed on it, and when she tells you I’m a bitch whore, well, sure, that’s fine, I kinda am, and I don’t really care if you think that about me.
Who knows though? Maybe you’ll get to know her and find out that she’s a really cool, caring, intelligent individual. That I’m completely wrong. That she’s mature and funny and collected. Honestly, if you ever get to know her, I hope that is the case. Because honestly I would hate for you to have to surround yourself with the xanthippe-esque character I just described. I hope she proves me wrong! And even more than that I hope she finds something that makes her happy. This never ending feed back loop of negativity and despair is too much for the world to handle. And while our friendship has been utterly decimated by this unfortunate series of events, you know what? Fuck it. I hope she can find happiness and peace in this world.
He fucks ugly girls like it’s a fetish, but we all know that it’s just symptomatic of somewhat fleeting but still crushing flashes of self hatred. It’s the easiest thing to do, cruising down to wherever Drunklandia is tonight, sweaty as he’s snaking through the throngs of divinely intoxicated hipsters, swaying here and there beneath the crushing weight of not being able to handle sobriety at any point past 10pm. Weaving through girls who waggle their asses in pure desperation for attention. Talking to him and her for a little bit before he, equally wasted, finds his mark. His beautiful little ugly girl. She’s always easy to pick out of the crowd, there’s always something embarassingly awkward about her. The way she’s standing around at this party. That a little bit too ugly back pack. The mom sweater. Pants that don’t make her ass look nice. She is juicily unattractive, usually with hair like straw from dying it green too many times when she was going through that punk phase that all her friends new was a shallow gimmick trying to get guys to fuck her. Or maybe she’s just an unpleasant mix of Asian and Latina, which generally breeds very fuckable specimen but every once in a while you’ll come across some girl with a fucked up nose and disproportionate body, and her features are just a little bit runny and her sense of style belies an acute unawareness of pop culture. She’s never been a pretty girl, and probably never will be, no amount of plucking and tweezing and waxing and lotions and shopping sprees and hair conditioner could change that. So he’ll take her, and he’ll stick his dick in her, and then, just like that, the next day, just dispose of her. Maybe he’ll toy with her emotions for a little bit and fuck her again, just because he likes to make them squirm, but that’s rare, mostly because it’s so heart wrenchingly painful.
He does it because he likes the sense of charity these women always instill him with. He, being a somewhat handsome and dapper fellow, and his feigned interest in their asinine, inane, generally unbearable and awkward conversations. As he gets them too drunk and they always fuck with this divine sense of gratitude emanating out from between their legs. Which are consistently hairy and something he would never stick his face into. He likes feeling like a hero for a night, and he likes how easy it is. It’s not like fucking pretty girls, who are a pain in the ass. Constantly demanding attention and devotion and entertainment and meals like they’re so entitled to it. Like they were born into this world to be pampered by men, my god, what a fucking con. He sees through it, through the bull shit, through the games, and straight to their disgusting, ugly souls. Straight to the trademark of a pretty girl: a total lack of anything interesting to say, ever. It’s just that the sound of their own voices is somehow bringing them closer to the social orgasm they’re trying to have.
No. No, an ugly girl. My god. An ugly girl is something you can really hang on to. An ugly girl has to do all the things that pretty girls don’t have to do, because most men think that being with a pretty girl is the prize in and of itself. No. He likes to have his laundry done while she cooks dinner. He likes to do whatever he wants to do to her in bed, because it doesn’t matter if she doesn’t actually enjoy anal, she’ll do it anyways just because if she doesn’t throw down in the sack he’ll just dump her and start fucking a pretty girl. Blow jobs, blow jobs, blow jobs, all the time, and he gets exactly as much sex as he wants because ugly girls don’t have enough self esteem to ever say “no” to a domineering man.
It’s an ecosystem that he helps perpetuate, constantly fucking these bland, boring, ugly, low sodium saltine bitches. And the pretty ones? Sure, he fucks the pretty ones, too, with their heads filled with fluff, but it’s different. It’s never worth it. They have such a highly evolved sense of emotions that must constantly be catered to. But ugly girls. Oh, the ugly girls, they will do anything if you only make them feel like a pretty girl for a day.