She walks around like she thinks she’s beautiful, but to the rest of us her gait just belies a cringe worthy existence steeped in shuddering delusions. As she stands so smugly amidst a circle of of friends, who at the ripe age of early 20’s have donned appropriately snug and/or see through garments to reveal both a nicely fuckable physique and a barely tolerable lack of personality. She, on the other hand, with large arms just slightly too chunky to be considered pleasantly plump and a bulging neck, all sheathed beneath the sneaky cotton jersey con of some black tent dress. I think at one point she used to be skinny, but I can’t remember when that was, and her face with a few extra pounds no longer strikes anyone as cute. Sure, she has an ass, but in order to get to the point where you could actually enjoy sticking your dick in it, you’d have to interact with that fat face for probably much longer than is bearable.

Sometimes my friends tell me not to be petty, so in lieu of that I’ll stop talking about what six months of lazily eating top ramen and peanut butter will do to a 21 year old girl’s body. Rather, let’s talk about the shitty personality that waits behind the last year’s American Apparel “basics” and unbearably squishy body. I kind of don’t even know where to begin because I have no idea how she grew into this scathing, selfish banshee, but have you ever met somebody who will scream and cry and point fingers and cast blame and create as much of a scene as possible just to get her way? I’m not talking about toddlers here, I’m talking about grown ass adults. The type of person who will just never shut up about her problems and gets off on being a perpetual victim. Even if it takes holding onto every last thing you say, skewing it so it’s pretty much not an accurate depiction of reality and blowing it out of proportion. She’s the type of person who will do or say anything just to drag everyone who doesn’t agree with her into her grey, hopeless vortex of unhappiness. Because heaven forbid she is the only one wallowing in her own self made misery. She resorts to such cliche and tired and consistently transparent tactics such as getting back together with her abusive ex-boyfriend and then blaming it on friends who haven’t been paying enough attention to her. Constantly griping to anyone who will listen that she needs to hang out with “better friends” beause the ones she has now, has had for years, and have stuck by her side through thick and thin, somehow aren’t good enough. But I’m sure you see through that just as much as I do – it isn’t her friends who are to blame or aren’t good enough, it’s just an externalization of her own personality dirth. Apparently she sucks so much that she can’t even stand herself and has deluded herself into believing that her among different people somehow makes for a less shitty her. But she’s wrong. She’s the type of person you can incessantly find spewing out vitriol about her enemy du jour. The type of person who always has an enemy, will go through great lengths just to get one because if she weren’t thriving on constant negativity and the validation of the pity she forces her friends to feel for her, she would buckle under the sheer weight of having to operate like a normal human being and caring for her friends and taking care of her shit. Self involved is a very benign way to describe it, but on some basic level it is accurate. I have seen her willfully allow her dog to shit and piss all over the house she lives in, creating a health hazard not only for herself, her dog and her best friend but also for her three other roommates she had no qualms with merely because she was upset at her fourth roommate. Do you know how awful it is look at shit and piss all over your house every day? How nauseating and disgusting it is? The shit building up over a month to the point that there are shit smears and shit particles under foot from front door to back kitchen. Childish and immature is just the beginning of the description of her behavior, but pathological, filthy and cruel fit in there somewhere, too. All this amidst her ceaseless crying and yelling about god knows what…anything? Probably exactly anything she could come up with.

This is the type of girl who will demand an apology when you call her (accurately, I might add) “a bitch” and then in the next breath hurl such uncreative and inaccurate epithets as “you’re just a child.” Even her insults are as tired and boring as she is. When caught red handed stealing a $2000 Dolce & Gabbana dress from an estranged friend, whom she had ostracized by letting her dog shit in her friend’s bedroom, she somehow manages to back peddle the conversation into a screaming match about some inane, irrelevant issue she had with said friend last week. And even though she has been caught in the act, she won’t even apologize. If you manage somehow to painfully extract an apology from her, expect for her to retract it immediately. I have not once, ever, since I’ve known her, heard her use the words ‘please’ or ‘thank you.’ If you ever do hear her utter those words, please catch it on camera because my incredulousness will be insurmountable.

Of course, now that you’ve read this, you may be wondering, “Who is this fat, egregious, terrible, dirty banshee-cunt and where can I go to slap the shit out of her?” Well, no, I’m not going to stoop that low, this is just another caustic rant. No names will be mentioned in the forging of this battle prose.

However, if you already know who I’m talking about…well, I’m sure that means that you’ve already had to suffer through the insufferability that is her existence on this planet. I’m sure that if she ever gets a hold of this, it will mean that there will be much wailing & gnashing of teeth emanating from those shit smeared lips. My advice? Just roll with it. If anything, I know she secretly loves the attention that this rant will afford her. That’s why she fucked with me in the first place, right? Because she knew I’d write a catty article about how much she sucks. Because she knew I’d write a catty article about how much she sucks. Because this piece means that she can run up to anyone with two operational ears and cry them a sob story about how she’s just the victim of some bully who knows how to use the internet and please shower her with pity and attention so that she can feel her existence has been somehow validated. I’m sure at the end of the day the thing that would give her the most pleasure in this world would be if I were to actually hit her, because then imagine how much attention she would get! And she’ll just feed and feed and feed and feed and feed on it, and when she tells you I’m a bitch whore, well, sure, that’s fine, I kinda am, and I don’t really care if you think that about me.

Who knows though? Maybe you’ll get to know her and find out that she’s a really cool, caring, intelligent individual. That I’m completely wrong. That she’s mature and funny and collected. Honestly, if you ever get to know her, I hope that is the case. Because honestly I would hate for you to have to surround yourself with the xanthippe-esque character I just described. I hope she proves me wrong! And even more than that I hope she finds something that makes her happy. This never ending feed back loop of negativity and despair is too much for the world to handle. And while our friendship has been utterly decimated by this unfortunate series of events, you know what? Fuck it. I hope she can find happiness and peace in this world.

because being the ideal woman will get you nowhere in life

He fucks ugly girls like it’s a fetish, but we all know that it’s just symptomatic of  somewhat fleeting but still crushing flashes of self hatred. It’s the easiest thing to do, cruising down to wherever Drunklandia is tonight, sweaty as he’s snaking through the throngs of divinely intoxicated hipsters, swaying here and there beneath the crushing weight of not being able to handle sobriety at any point past 10pm. Weaving through girls who waggle their asses in pure desperation for attention. Talking to him and her for a little bit before he, equally wasted, finds his mark. His beautiful little ugly girl. She’s always easy to pick out of the crowd, there’s always something embarassingly awkward about her. The way she’s standing around at this party. That a little bit too ugly back pack. The mom sweater. Pants that don’t make her ass look nice. She is juicily unattractive, usually with hair like straw from dying it green too many times when she was going through that punk phase that all her friends new was a shallow gimmick trying to get guys to fuck her. Or maybe she’s just an unpleasant mix of Asian and Latina, which generally breeds very fuckable specimen but every once in a while you’ll come across some girl with a fucked up nose and disproportionate body, and her features are just a little bit runny and her sense of style belies an acute unawareness of pop culture. She’s never been a pretty girl, and probably never will be, no amount of plucking and tweezing and waxing and lotions and shopping sprees and hair conditioner could change that. So he’ll take her, and he’ll stick his dick in her, and then, just like that, the next day, just dispose of her. Maybe he’ll toy with her emotions for a little bit and fuck her again, just because he likes to make them squirm, but that’s rare, mostly because it’s so heart wrenchingly painful.

He does it because he likes the sense of charity these women always instill him with. He, being a somewhat handsome and dapper fellow, and his feigned interest in their asinine, inane, generally unbearable and awkward conversations. As he gets them too drunk and they always fuck with this divine sense of gratitude emanating out from between their legs. Which are consistently hairy and something he would never stick his face into. He likes feeling like a hero for a night, and he likes how easy it is. It’s not like fucking pretty girls, who are a pain in the ass. Constantly demanding attention and devotion and entertainment and meals like they’re so entitled to it. Like they were born into this world to be pampered by men, my god, what a fucking con. He sees through it, through the bull shit, through the games, and straight to their disgusting, ugly souls. Straight to the trademark of a pretty girl: a total lack of anything interesting to say, ever. It’s just that the sound of their own voices is somehow bringing them closer to the social orgasm they’re trying to have.

No. No, an ugly girl. My god. An ugly girl is something you can really hang on to. An ugly girl has to do all the things that pretty girls don’t have to do, because most men think that being with a pretty girl is the prize in and of itself. No. He likes to have his laundry done while she cooks dinner. He likes to do whatever he wants to do to her in bed, because it doesn’t matter if she doesn’t actually enjoy anal, she’ll do it anyways just because if she doesn’t throw down in the sack he’ll just dump her and start fucking a pretty girl. Blow jobs, blow jobs, blow jobs, all the time, and he gets exactly as much sex as he wants because ugly girls don’t have enough self esteem to ever say “no” to a domineering man.

It’s an ecosystem that he helps perpetuate, constantly fucking these bland, boring, ugly, low sodium saltine bitches. And the pretty ones? Sure, he fucks the pretty ones, too, with their heads filled with fluff, but it’s different. It’s never worth it. They have such a highly evolved sense of emotions that must constantly be catered to. But ugly girls. Oh, the ugly girls, they will do anything if you only make them feel like a pretty girl for a day.

My Internet is Down

I’m pretty sure that means that I’m absolutely nobody and I no longer have a personality. “My plan is I’m just gonna date someone and then move into his house until the internet is back on in a few days.” -me “My plan is I’m going to ruin that relationship so much that you’ll forget why you even got into that relationship in the first place.”-Miguel I’m probably going to just wind up punching walls until I run out of walls and then start punching peoples faces. Anyways I’m bar tending at Night Light (311 Broadway) alone for Sunday happy hour, roll through!

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He’s Cumming

“Oh my god, I’m cumming!”

He whips out his dick and I look over in glee as, dick in hand, there it goes, squirting out, and now there’s come everywhere. I was kinda hoping he would cum inside me, but I think he’s dealt with too many pregnancies and abortions to fall for that one ever again, although, hey, I’m on the best birth control on the world. Maybe I should tell him. But now isn’t the time for that, as we’re lying there naked and both covered in cum and sweat. The sheets on my bed are slightly slipping off. The pillows are strewn across the floor. It’s like a stunned silence, this moment of afterglow. The sun breaking in from behind the curtains. Both of us lying there, too fucked to move, although I tell him there’s a towel over there, although should I stand up and hand it to him? I don’t feel like standing up. Not after all that fucking. Not after he made me cum like that and the delight of his dick inside me still has me reeling and nailed to the bed.

I don’t know if I should look at him or if I’m supposed to look away. I feel like a greedy child as my eyes graze over his thighs and his cock and the hair on his chest. I’m too afraid to look into his eyes and see what’s in there, so I lean for a little bit and kisses on neck. God, I love to watch him cum. I love to look at him right after he’s done cumming. I like the noises he makes, the things he says. I like feeling his body between my legs as slightly he loses it and succumbs to the sensation of cumming. And cumming. Sometimes I almost want to laugh when he cums, because there’s something inherently funny about cumming. The noises and the motions of cumming – it’s not very serious, but I know if I laugh it might be perceived as ridicule. But, really, I laugh because I’m enjoying every moment of everything that is happening, and I’m thrilled by his dick as he squirts out cum. The beautiful cum. I made him cum. I love making him cum.

God, I would do anything to make him cum. I would make him cum all day, every day, if only he gave me the chance. I would bend over backward just to make him cum, and sometimes I do. I would crawl through dirt with half the produce section rammed up my ass if it would only make him cum. I want him to be cumming forever, here, with me, or at least fucking as furiously as we possibly can. I find a slice of my self worth in his orgasms (and also mine), and I would do anything to make him cum because I know he would do anything to make me cum, too. But enough about me, because isn’t this blog about how much I like to cum all the time? And what about him, the one who makes me cum? The one who makes me cum like crazy whenever I want? I wish that there were some way I could repay him for all the orgasms he has given me, so kindly and so patiently. I know that I will never be able to make him cum as much as he makes me cum, and I guess that is okay, because there are so many men before him (and after, too) who didn’t care nearly as much about my orgasm as he did. It was not nearly as much fun to make those men cum. It is not fun to watch a man cum, after all the work, especially if you know that your own orgasm will never be arriving any time soon. But him? He makes me cum all the time, and all I want is to do the same for him. I want to lie here forever, naked and heaving, covered in his cum and satisfied by knowing that I’m his baby and I make him cum the best out of all the rest of them, ever. If only dreams come true. One day…

When Does Sex End?

Does sex end when the guy cums? Or when the girl taps out? When do we stop fucking? I can never tell, personally, because no matter how much my body might be hurting or shutting down or dried up and desiccated, there’s something in my mind that screams, “Keep going!” Perhaps because I know that this moment will end eventually, but isn’t this everything that I have been working towards all week? Haven’t I wanted, above all other things, to be close to someone else? In the most carnal way possible. We need to keep fucking right now as an act of desperation in order to transcend our skin and our bones, and maybe if we fuck long enough and hard enough, one day we will wake up and we will no longer be separate, but we will have finally become two people in one body. Connected. Not forever, but for as long as it’s pleasant, and cumming is not symbolic of the end of everything that I am trying to achieve here. Cumming is something that I can do over and over again. I go to the gym and work out every day so that when the moment comes for me to take off my clothes and dive in, I will be awake and ready and able to fuck for as long as we need. Until we can fuck no longer. Until I can’t keep my eyes open. Until it is impossible to do this anymore. When my body is wreck and your dick is falling off. Until I can’t possibly cum one more time. Sex ends in a moment of failure, realizing that we are separate now, and we will always be separate, so we might as well sleep it off before we get up and drift apart tomorrow morning (or afternoon). Because sex doesn’t end after one person’s one orgasm, or even if he can’t get it up, or if I’m tired. Sex ends when I no longer want to be close to you, or I can no longer be close to you. Although, if I had my way, sex would never end, and we would be here forever, cycling in and out of fucking and sleeping and eating while the rest of the world melts away. I would like that. Wouldn’t you like that? To fuck me forever? I’ll call it true love, but all you have to do is call me back and come over tomorrow night. It will be wonderful. Forever.

The Fuck Feast Sexual Literacy Test

And, speaking of call backs and sexual literacy tests, here’s a list of things that I expect a man to ace on the first hook up:

  • Mastery of Attraction So, this is everything that happens before we get into the bedroom. A mastery of attraction means that you have a rudimentary understanding of the female ego, interpersonal communication and lust. A little bit of flattery, well responded to text messages, and flirtation. This is also the mastery of being attractive, so, y’know, take a shower and put on some nice shoes, okay?
  • Ability to get it up This is crucial. Look, if you can’t get it up, that’s fine. You overindulged. Or you’re nervous. Or you’re just no that into this. That’s fine. However, if you can’t get it up, why did you wheedle your way into my bedroom? Why are my clothes off if you can’t perform? I understand that we all can’t be perfect all the time, but being able to get an erection is crucial to fucking, and if you can’t do that, then you’re just not ready for this, honey, and you’re wasting my time. It’s back to the friend zone for you. Unless, of course, you make up for it with copious amounts of oral sex. That’s cool.
  • Oral Sex To be specific, cunnilingus. This is so day one. If you don’t eat pussy, then get the fuck away from me. If you don’t eat pussy, I can’t imagine what else it is that you won’t do. Eating pussy is the most basic move in the book, and if you don’t have this mastered, then who are you and what are you doing with your life?

Read more →

A Woman’s Experience of Lust Part II

There are snakes in my eyes as I slither between these sheets to wind up the leg of some new beast, slurping up sins and sensation like a newborn Eve on her first night fucking Adam. And what does it feel like to eat meat, red, raw and dripping while white blankets carry the new stains of another night in heaven. I would like to know what it feels like to be good, but I am too busy being bad to ever stop and pause and consider any other alternative option. I just let my fingers do the talking, whispering sweet nothings to the buttons at the top of your pants, singing sweet songs to your zipper as I zip and unzip and pull down and around. We both know what kind of secrets are hidden therein, all those beautiful inches upon inches of – well, inches of you. Read more →

A Woman’s Experience of Lust

Lust, which is just how I like it. But this is my lust, not yours. This is my deep, red sin, not yours. This is my experience of lust, my singular experience. I cannot vouch for your experience of lust, but I am offering you mine in the hopes that it can illuminate and accentuate your own experience of lust. To make it better. So that we can all experience lust on an elevated level, fine tuned and tingling in the night. This is my experience of lust, gnawing raw through the night, while yours might be elsewhere, sipping tea in the sunshine on a vast, grassy field. My lust is a beast, but yours…well, what is yours? Is your lust a rabbit, soft and petting, or a shark, filled with teeth? Is your lust a car that goes fast and crashes through the median? Or an explosion in a coal mine, killing everything around it? Is it blistering and bright? Yellow and pretty? Or does it skulk around, alone through rooms, looking ugly and yelling loudly?

This is my experience of lust. This is my experience of that chafing, fast emotion. It is a dangerous situation that I wade through wantonly, and you are welcome, dear spectator, to watch me stumble down. But you? Well, I expect you to experience lust in your own way, and if you would like to laugh at me while you do, please be my guest. But if anything, make sure that you experience your lust as beautifully as possible, because I certainly am.