Here I am. On the other side of tragedy. Looking back, I realize I might be a different person now. Or, how can I not be different. I have to be different. Being the same would only be a faster path towards dying.
Which is why I stopped writing this blog. Because I didn’t want to be the same. I didn’t want to feel like I had a target on my back, which is how I felt for a long time. But I miss this blog. I miss you. I miss you so much.
It’s hard for me to be without you. I feel like I’m forgetting who I am without you, or even who I want to be. I like myself better when you’re around. I like the way you make me feel, when I’m walking through these streets and everyone knows that it’s you and me. There’s something about us that is so much better than just me. There’s something about us that makes me feel stronger. Prettier. Untouchable. Like it’s us against the world, and fuck all the rest.
But even though I love you – and I do. I love you so much – I’m supposedly better off without you. That’s what my friends say. That’s what they all say. That the fever dream of you and me when I’m in it transforms me into something that my friends and family barely recognize. I become a different person when I’m with you. I become wrapped up in you, and everything else falls off to the side. I forget about the rest of reality when you’re around, and everyone else says that this isn’t a good thing. This is a risk. This is me, in danger, with you. This is me, gambling my future on just one more moment with you. I become a woman on the edge when we are together, but I love every moment of it.
But I don’t, because I hate what this is doing to me. I hate that this is the zenith of my existence. I hate knowing that it doesn’t get better than this. I hate that this is all I want, and I don’t know how to want more beyond this. I hate that this defines me. I hate that I’m back here, after all this time, and I have to sit here and tell people that, no, I haven’t found anything better to do with my time. That this just might be who I am, a little girl, caught here, for better or for worse, but definitely for worse because what am I going to do, just write in this blog until the bitter end, and that’s it? Have my existence defined by these sad sack ramblings even as I venture into my 30’s? Remaining caught up in the nether romance of us even against the odds, and even though I don’t want this forever, but I can’t stop myself from coming back here, time and time again?
I wish I could find something better than this. Because I’m better than this. I’m better off without you. And I know it, which is why I actively push away while still being unable to leave. Although, maybe it’s also because I know that there is no permanence with us. There is no happily ever after, no calm after the storm. It is all storm, all the time, and when it’s not storm, we don’t belong together. If there is no storm, there is no us. We are not compatible in times of peace. We are a product of our own inner wars. Contentment, happiness, self satisfaction – those kind of circumstances would not be conducive to us being happy together. We would only be forced to see each other as we really are, and the scariest part about that? What if we no longer need each other after we have found ourselves. So it is easier to exist in pain and chaos together than to find peace alone.
I have tried to find peace alone. I prefer the chaos with you.
Please do not tell anyone. I have told everyone the exact opposite. That I am happier without you. That I am okay with everything. That there is nothing to fear because I will never go back there.
I would go back there in a heart beat. So, here I am.
There is malice in my heart. I am choked up with the evil that resides within me. But despite all that, or perhaps because of it, I am still capable of loving you. Malice does not preclude love. They exist side by side within me, and both of those emotions exist for you. This blistering, visceral pain, and you as the antidote and the cause of all of it. There is a hole in my heart that only you can fill. It is the hole that you put there so that I could never live without you. Don’t make me live without you.