I imagine that when the clock struck midnight, Cinderella took off her high heels and came down to Oakland to party with all of us in the gutter.
Okay. Just gonna say it. Fuck it, holmes. When a dude comes too fast, it is the most disappointing thing in the world. Like, keep it in there for than 2 minutes, okay? I always feel just…disgusting. I feel used. I feel like saying, “Why did you need me here in the first place? Why didn’t you just masturbate instead?” Although – no. That’s kinda a lie. What I really want to say when that happens is the meanest shit that pops into my head, something along the lines of, “You are a worthless piece of shit that doesn’t know how to fuck.” How long does it take before a dude becomes good at fucking? Or maybe it’s just something that some dudes never learn how to do.
For me, if it doesn’t last long enough to go through two or three different positions, like, what the fuck are you doing? Although, I guess this comes with the caveat of “if I’m fucking somebody I’m into.” If I realize half way into it that I don’t really like the dude, sure, come as fast as you want. In fact, the sooner the better! But if I’m into a dude, and it just sucks…well, it just went from “oo, you’re cute, I kinda have a crush on you” to “please don’t ever talk to me ever again.” That’s really what bad sex does for me – it makes me fucking hate the dude. Aren’t we supposed to be having an enjoyable experience together? But no. I might as well be a blow up doll if you’re seriously going to crawl on top of me, fuck me in missionary position for 2 minutes, and then. Nothing. Or, even worse, “Oops, sorry.” A good response to which would be, “You should be more sorry that I never want to fuck you again.”
Part of me wonders if there are girls out there who actually enjoy 2 minute sex. Or get off on 2 minute sex. Sure, if you’re a sexophobic female, I’m sure that 2 minute sex every once in a while is more than enough. But is there a girl out there who comes hella hard from 2 minutes of choad fucking? Or, rather, why do dudes think it’s okay to fuck a girl for just 2 minutes? At some point in their life did some idiot girl give them affirmation for the poor sexual performance? (I hate her, btw.)
I guess the thing is, if I come too fast (which rarely happens), it’s no big deal. Seriously, a dude can keep fucking me and it’s not like I’m not going to enjoy it. But if you’re a dude…well. That sucks. And it’s not like any dude ever has the courtesy to be like, “Oh, sorry, let me go down on you until you come.” I guess I would respect that. A lot, actually. Instead of just standing up and running away to the bathroom, where I hope to God that you are standing in a shroud of your own shame, be courteous! I’m not asking for a wedding ring, dude, I’m asking for some oral sex.
And on that note, if you’ve never seen a girl come before, I hate your fucking guts.
Also, just for the record, I want everybody here to know that I love vaginas. They are so awesome, and I am stoked to be the proud owner of one. Join me in my love for vaginas, and the next time you see one, give it a high five or tell it how much you appreciate it.
(P.S. If you think this is about you, it’s not, unless, of course, it is.)