We sit here quietly, and it’s in moments like these that I can finally breathe again. Moments when the chaos has died down, when the outside world is no longer knocking on our door. When we can sit here in silence and everything is okay. Eating greens at the kitchen table, and he puts his hand on mine. Such a simple yet sophisticated gesture. We are not speaking, we are simply sitting here. There is no reason to argue, no drama of the day. No reason for suspicious looks or wondering who is he texting on his phone right now. Who else is he thinking about.
It’s our moment of calm at the kitchen table in a world of chaos. And isn’t this what it’s about – to get away from all of that for just a few minutes. A chance to rest, and with him I feel at ease. I feel okay when he’s here, and his hand on my hand. We can look at each other and smile and say nothing at all.
It’s a calmness that almost frightens me. When the rest of the world has trained itself to bark like a dog at any movement or sound. Let’s be honest – how many men have I dated just because they wanted someone to fuck and fight with? A lot. It’s strange when love looks like violence. It’s strange to finally learn that love doesn’t have to be like that. In some ways, I don’t know how to sit still. I don’t know how to not fight. I don’t know how to enjoy the moment, although it’s not like I enjoy the moments when I am in pain and fighting with the man I love. I just don’t know love any other way.
But I am starting to like it. I think I could live like this. I smile, and the moment passes, but even when it’s gone, I know that everything is going to be okay. So long as I’m with my baby.