This week has marked a series of victories in my newly acquired singledom. First off, my personal desensitization therapy has been going well. This mostly just includes me, looking at pictures of him, rereading journal entries from happier times, and scanning memories of our relationship and closely monitoring my emotional reaction. I systematically lower my emotional response until I can reach an ultimate nirvana/haven of feeling nothing, at which point I am overcome with an exhaustive glee that only translates to total victory. Because, you see, the key to winning in a break up is being able to feel nothing for the other person. To artificially mitigate any sensations of love or longing that still linger from the relationship, and to just totally obliterate them.
Secondly, I have not spiraled into an alcoholic chaos of destruction and self loathing. Rather, I have maintained a respectable level of sobriety, am not out in the clubs and bars getting ratchet drunk on random people’s dicks, and am able to maintain composure in social settings without irritatingly leading every conversation to the grey dead end of “I just got dumped.” Rather, I have been holding my own, getting spruced up, being funny (I think. I’m trying.), and making myself available to members of the opposite sex in a tasteful yet restrained way. Nope, this break up does not reek of desperation and the need to add another 15-20 notches on the bed post in a tepid attempt at restoring my self esteem and telling myself, “Hah! See! I AM attractive. If only he knew what he’s missing out on!” This is because, upon proper assessment of the break up, there are two ways to go about fucking other people: fucking a lot of people or going down the serial monogamy route. You can determine which one is better for your situation based on which one will inspire more jealousy in your former partner. Will he be more jealous knowing that you can fuck everything out there, and now that you have the freedom to do it, you are? Or will parading around town with a newer, hotter, richer boyfriend inspire greater heights of angst and bitterness? I’ve determined that the latter is probably a better option for right now, so I am behaving accordingly.
Thirdly, jeez, I missed you all. I know misery loves company, but that is NOT what Single Forever Crew is about. No – we are single forever because we voluntarily opt to be so, and we are unrepentant. Also, I really enjoy watching my girlfriends spit games at random dudes at bar and totally win over unsuspecting, uninterested men into their sexual exploits. Good for you!