Loneliness as the Remedy for All that Ails You

“At least I had sex before I left the house today.” ~ Miguel

“Ugh. All I got to do was masturbate. Jealous.” ~ me

“What, no way. Masturbation is way better than sex. There are other ~people~ involved in sex, and you have to, y’know, talk to them and be nice to them and stuff. It kinda sucks. When you masturbate, it’s just you. It’s so much easier.”

“Omigod, you’re so right.”

***

“I’ve been reading HuffPost Divorce instead of dealing with my emotions.” ~ text I sent to Arianna that elicited no reply 🙁

***

“I’ve been trying to quit drinking because of this medication I’m on, but it’s really hard.” ~ friend

“Maybe you should go to an AA meeting.” ~ me

“Yeah, I mean, I’m not an alcoholic, I’m just having a lot of trouble quitting.” ~ friend

“Woah, I think that’s the exact definition of being an alcoholic.” ~ Miguel

“Yeah, we should just go to an AA meeting together. It’ll help you not drink and you know that AA people love to fuck, right?” ~ me

“But I thought they had a rule where you’re not allowed to fuck someone who has less than a year of sobriety, right Miguel?” ~ friend

“Well, technically-” ~ Miguel

“Omigod, no, check it out, people in AA are recovered drug addicts. They are fucking scum bags! They’ll totally fuck you!” ~ me

“She has a point.” ~ Miguel

“Interesting. I think I’d be down. Just, finding things to do when I’m not drinking is kinda boring.” ~ friend

“Another good thing to do would be go to the bar that’s across the street from the SLAA meetings. They let out every Friday at 10, and then everybody just goes to that bar.” ~ Miguel

“Oh, wow, that’s an amazing idea!” ~ friend

“So, trolling for dick at AA & SLAA this week?” ~ me

“Yeah, I’m so down. Miguel, what’s the AA meeting with the most hipsters in it?” ~ friend

“10 o’clock by the lake. Basically everybody who got 86’d from Ruby Room just hangs out there now.” ~ Miguel

“Holy shit, that’s awesome. And then we can just go to Ruby Room after.” ~ friend

“Yo, we should totally convince them to print out drink tickets that we can pass out at the AA meeting.” ~ me

“Ummm…” ~ Miguel & friend

“Come on, it would be SO funny!!” ~ me

“You’ve heard of this thing called karma, right, Pilar?” ~ Miguel

“Aw, fuck you guys. You’re no fun.” ~ me