If You’re Gonna Be A Thot, At Least Do It With Grace and Style Part II

In Part I of this series, I spelled out how to properly conduct yourself with social grace while sleeping around various social circles in Oakland. While social grace is crucial to being a well liked thot among the secretly promiscuous, there’s the element of style that needs to be addressed while hoe-ing around town. Mostly because if you’re gonna be a thot, at least look good while you’re doing it. One bad thot makes the rest of us look bad, and we all already have a reputation for being dirty and mean. So let’s clean up that image a little bit so that people will know that we’re diplomatic, caring members of the larger community.

First off, if you want to be a thot with style, you need to shower. You need to keep your shit clean. Wash your clothes. Change your clothes. Your general appearance should be on point and well taken care of. We all know how petty and vicious all the jealous non-thots out there can be, so let’s try not to give them any ammunition against us.┬áI know, I know, this seems fairly obvious, but some of you ladies out there are not up to par with your personal hygiene. Now, this isn’t one of those ‘you need to pretty enough to be a thot’ kind of statements, but, rather – yo, if you’re fucking around, you need to wash your pussy. You need to get a douche. You need to not smell like eight different guys when you’re on your date with #9. It’s unsanitary, it’s unhygienic, and while STDs are a big concern among the promiscuous, regular TDs that are transmitted sexually are also a thorn in the side of the promiscuous. Things like scabies, pink eye, bed bugs, bacterial infections from not properly cleaning are all things that you don’t want attached to your good name. So, ladies, wash it off. Nobody wants a gross smelling cooter in their face.

Second, okay, yeah, we all do drugs. It kinda comes with the territory. But, please: don’t become a ratchet junkie hoe. This is not a good look. Drugs tax your physical looks, they make you lose your mental clarity, and people who do a lot of drugs generally do not taste or smell super good all the time. Being addicted to drugs is pretty tacky, and it’s not pretty. So, in the interest of being a thot with style, make sure to ingest your cocaine discreetly, moderately and without being a total psycho fiend. Learn how to handle your drugs and booze. Don’t be the one at the party who has had too much and is now freaking out and getting escorted away from the party.

Thirdly, let’s look at what’s in your purse. A good thot has an arsenal of products and weapons crammed into a tiny purse. A few things that I recommend carrying with you everywhere you go: a toothbrush, for emergency sleep overs and opportune moments. Breath mints, kind of for the same reason you would carry a toothbrush. Eye drops, which are especially important if you wear contacts, but will also help you with the morning sleepies or drug┬áinduced dry eye. Vicodins, to toss in with your breath mints and for those rough mornings. Condoms, because duh, you know that dude is hella dirty and probably didn’t bring any. Lipstick/lip gloss/chapstick so you can keep your lips looking pretty. Phone charger, for when you need to call an Uber and your phone is on 1%. A knife, in case things get weird. Back up make up, for the morning after. Baby wipes, because they’re just useful to have on you at all times and will help with makeup/body odors/sweat/body fluids. Lube, if you’re feeling daring.

Fourth, master the art of free drinks. This is something that must be done with tact, grace and finesse. But if you’re good at being you, people will gladly offer you free alcohol and drugs just to keep you here at the party and available for flirtation.

Fifth, okay, yeah, look stunning at all times. For each thot, this means something different. Some thots want to do their eyebrows, put make up on, wear mini skirts, go to the gym and wear five inch heels. Other thots want to toss on a cardigan and roll to the party looking fresh out of bed. Looking stunning isn’t about attaining some impossible beauty standard, but, rather, it’s about self care. Let’s be honest with ourselves, ladies: being a hoe is hard work. Doing what you need to feel good about yourself, indulging in self care, doing what you need to do in order to feel healthy and in good spirits is all part of being the best you that you can be. Be on top of your game at all times. Drink lots of water. Take your vitamins. Feel good about yourself.

Sixth, so, for the social grace part of being a thot: don’t knock other thots. Look, ladies, we’re all in this together, so rather than trying to compete with your peers, let’s try lifting each other up instead. We’re thots; we’re supposed to be beyond jealousy and infighting. We all have the common goal of getting it in, and while we might step on toes while we’re on this journey, it behooves no one to be petty and mean about getting laid. This makes it unfun for so many people, so, instead, recognize a ho when you see one. Game recognize game, baby. Show respect accordingly. In fact, it’s in your best interest to be friends with other thots. We need to look out for our own kind.

Seventh, know how to back that ass up on the dance floor. Know how to walk into a room. Know how to command attention, not demand attention. Carry yourself with dignity and poise. While traditionally this might mean have good posture and smile, you can now skulk into a room with a frown on your face and be the hottest thing in there (given the right aka punk social circles). Whatever carrying yourself with dignity means to you, do it.

Eight: Be nice to non thots and people out of your league. Thots generally don’t have a lot of allies to begin with, so we gotta make our good names for ourselves. This has nothing to do with shutting people down who are harassing us, but, rather, means that we acknowledge that being a thot can be intimidating to some people, so rather than lording it over their heads, let’s be nice about it. Not everyone has the privilege of fucking anyone they want, and not everyone wants to. That doesn’t mean that we can’t all get along.

Nine: Be nice to the people you fuck. This one should also be fairly obvious, but if you’re taking your clothes off and getting naked with someone else, be courteous. Be polite. The rules of casual hook ups can seem fairly harsh at times, and kicking someone out of your bed at 4 am when you live in the middle of West Oakland can be a bit cruel, but if you’re nice the rest of the time, then that should help soften the blow. Nobody likes a meanie. Give people a reason to leave a good review. Being nice goes a long way.

Ten: Like I said, this is very important: be a champ in bed. Be a great lay. Know how to fuck. Love fucking. Love sucking dick. Get in touch with your orgasm. That’s what makes this all worth it, right?

Click here for Part III