How to Deal with Petty Exboyfriends

It has come to my attention that someone I used to sleep with is behaving with a quite a bit of impropriety. While generally I try to let this kind of thing go (actually, no I don’t, I’m petty as fuck), I feel that this particular situation merits a certain level of vengeance. Mostly because if his “I’m going to fuck with Pilar” tactics are sloppy enough as to holler at a friend of mine who a. I introduced him to, b. now work with me, and c. would never because girl code and obviously clues me in…well then, game on, fucker. Also I don’t appreciate it when dudes tag directly outside my work, because obviously I’m just going to sticker over that…but, whatever. 

Seeing as he’s been texting me an inordinate amount lately, I feel that calling him up might be an innocuous way to set him up for a little bit of button pushing. It’ll start out cordial, friendly, casual. Unsuspicious until I set myself up for this one:

“Hey, so, I know that you’re probably wondering which of your friends I’ve been sleeping with. I don’t want you to worry about it, but just know that his dick is waaaay bigger than yours, and also the orgasms he gives me are light years away from anything you’ve ever experienced. Feel free to tell me which of my friends you’re sleeping with, because I know for a fact that it’s not xxxx. She knows you’re a dirty gift giver, so don’t bother with that one.”

I know exactly that this will make him upset, mostly also because it is 100% true. 

***

In other news, I know that boys can sometimes be dumb as fuck. Sometimes boys just don’t get it, and I’ve just come to accept that. However, at what point does “dumb as fuck” and “doesn’t really get it” translate into “maybe this dude is developmentally disabled.” Have you ever walked away from a sexual situation thinking, “I might have just had sex with a mentally challenged person.” 

It’s definitely a weird feeling. 

Then again, I can’t really tell if he’s a normal person who’s doing really, really badly in life, or a mentally disabled person who’s doing really, really well in life. I was hoping it was the latter, for his sake, but Arianna assures me that it’s the former. Oh, well.