I recently got out of a “relationship” (you know, it wasn’t a relationship, we were just sleeping together, but he wasn’t my boyfriend, and we weren’t dating, but we talked every day and my mom loved him and sometimes we would go to church together or he’d come over to my mom’s house for various relevant holidays), and as with the termination of most “relationships” there’s always this lingering tension of: who’s gonna find someone to fuck and be happy with first?
It’s a competition, really. Can you do it in a matter of hours? A matter of days? How soon can you lock down someone to fuck so you can put it on Instagram and during the final arguments at the end of the relationship bring it up in the most petty way possible?
This is something I used to be really good at. I used to look forward to it, the mean text messages and then sleeping with his best friend. I did it just because I could. I could fuck his best friend, his brother, his roommate, his boss or even his exgirlfriend. Just to do it. Just because I knew it would hurt.
I used to do it all the time. I used to do it preemptively, too. I remember one time, a boy told me, “Please don’t sleep with all my friends when we break up.” I smiled and didn’t say anything – I had already slept with all his friends before we got together. Quite the trump card.
However, I’d like to think that as I’ve gotten older, I’ve gotten wiser. I haven’t really been into the instantaneous rebound (unless it’s not technically a rebound and I’m just trading in one lover for another) for a while. It’s an emotionally exhausting pursuit, and I usually don’t get a lot out of it.
I can remember the exact moment when I decided that I wasn’t going to do this kind of shit anymore. I was drunk sitting on some random dude’s face after he had cum (he wasn’t that random, he was the boss of the guy with whom I had recently split), and as I was sitting there, trying to suffocate him with my pussy, I realized: I’m not going to cum. I’m not even close to cumming. At which point I came to the further realization that this wasn’t even that fun, and if I’m not having fun and I’m not cumming, why am I doing this?
I am doing this out of spite.
That’s a horrible reason to fuck someone. Out of all the possible reasons to fuck someone, doing it out of spite is cruel and dehumanizing, and if the sex isn’t good it becomes totally pointless. I realized that by using someone as my sexual object as medium of revenge, I’m a complete asshole. I’ve taken someone and put them in a position where they can never possibly be anything more than a disrespected object that I am using for my own gain. Without their consent, I am wedging a third party into my previous relationship and using that third party to hurt my former partner. I may even be putting that third party in harm’s way.
I don’t rebound for the sake of rebounding anymore. It always feels so empty and it doesn’t really make me feel good about myself. It also just makes things messy and more complicated than they have to be – instead of one guy thinking I’m an asshole, now there are two guys who think I’m an asshole and a slut.
The point of rebounding with someone so quickly isn’t even really completely about spite, either. It’s more about low self esteem and the fact that I have to reassure myself that I’m hot enough to fuck anyone I want, including my ex’s brother or boss or roommate or whatever. It’s about proving to myself and to my former partner that I can fuck anybody, that I’m cute enough not to have to be alone, and that I could have done better than my former partner all along.
I like myself too much for those kinds of games. I know I can fuck anyone I want, but just because I can doesn’t mean I’m going to. It sounds exhausting. And I’m pretty sure my partners already know I can do better if I want to. I try not to lord that over them in relationships, but once the relationship is over, they know I’ll be fine. I’m not in the mood to complicate my life out of pettiness and spite over some boy who wasn’t worth it in the end.
On the other hand, when I see my former partners doing exactly that – fucking the first willing woman they can find – it makes me wonder: was he really that insecure all along? How did I not see that? It reeks of a lack of confidence in both himself and the relationship we had together. He is measuring his self worth based on his ability to fuck people. Me? I’m worth a lot more than sex, and I’m really good at sex, so that’s saying something. Him? I guess he’s so afraid of being alone that he’ll take the first willing woman. Which makes me wonder: was I the first willing woman he could find? Is that all our relationship was? I was his remedy for loneliness?
The answer to that doesn’t matter now. I have too much self respect to even think about that. Also, I like myself and I enjoy my own company, so I’ll probably enjoy having some time to spend with myself.