Fuck Feast Guide to Various Levels of Coital Relationship Statuses

After you let someone stick his dick in you, or after you stick your dick in someone, or whatever it is that you do that qualifies as sex, sometimes it can be hard to quantify exactly what is going on. Is this a relationship? Was it just sex? In today’s age of boundary-respecting and consent, misqualifying your relationship with someone else can often be seen as a grave social faux pas. So to avoid accidentally calling that dude that texts you at 2am for drunk sex your “boyfriend” or hurting someone’s feelings by saying “hey, we’re not actually dating, we’re just fucking” when the other person totally thought y’all were monogamous, here’s a handy little guide to the qualifiers and titles that come with fucking other people

One Night Stand The good ol in-n-out. This can just be a suck off session, a little bit of fucking, or even a good 12 hour fuck marathon. Regardless, if it has only happened once, then, yes, technically, you have a one night stand on your hands. This, of course, doesn’t rule out the possibility of it ever happening again, but until it does, it looks like you had a one night stand.

Just Fucking/Booty Call Or, chronic one night stands. This implies a level of sexual intimacy that forgoes the usual buying you drinks, intellectual conversations or other general interpersonal interactions that might qualify your relationship with this person as a friendship. Nope, instead, this is someone that you might not know very well, kind of don’t really give a fuck about, but whom you will tolerate for a session of sucking, fucking, and possibly (but definitely optional) making out. It’s efficient and convenient because you don’t have to even pretend to like the other person or act like this is ever going to be anything more than fucking.

Friends with Benefits This is basically an extension of the above “Just Fucking” category, except that this is somebody with whom you can sit down and watch a movie, discuss the plot, drink some tea, grab some brunch. Someone with whom you can hang out and not have sex and still have a good time. Maybe you’ve known this person for a long time, or maybe you just get along on a personal level. Either way, friends with benefits is what happens when you’re not dating, and it’s not serious, and it’s merely a casual pursuit of mutual pleasure while maintaining a pleasant emotional distance.

Nonexclusively Dating Maybe you’ve arrived at this step by slogging your way through all the ones mentioned above, or maybe you just struck gold on OK Cupid and have found someone who will buy you drinks, dinner and a movie before going home and having sex. The fact of the matter is, now that you’ve entered the official dating arena, you are setting yourself up for conversations that might, at some point down the line, involve words like “long term” and “exclusive” and “future.” However, for now, you still get to date other people because that whole “are you seeing anyone else?” still hasn’t happened yet, so you are scott free on this one.

Exclusively Dating This, too, can come from the above steps, or you might find yourself sleeping with someone, and only that someone. Exclusively dating someone means that you have a sexual monopoly on your partner’s time, and also possibly their romantic emotions.

Monogamous Is monogamy really different from exclusively dating? Maybe not. Maybe it’s just taking exclusively dating to a more serious degree, that degree being the point where cheating becomes much more of an issue.

In a Relationship Oh, the good old boyfriend/girlfriend titles. This is where they come full force. This is when you change your relationship status on Facebook. This is when you can tell your friends that it’s official. Absolutely no pussy footing around after you’ve reached this echelon of relationships. It’s at this point that the significant others are expected to accompany each other to every social function possible.

Long Term Relationship See “In a Relationship” but tack a year onto it. Because anybody can be in a relationship, but being in a long term relationship means that you’ve put your time in.

Life Partners Remember all those talks about the future that you’ve been having with your significant other? Well, you’re going to be having them forever, until you die, because you’re life partners now.

Married Your sexual situation just became legally binding, breh.