Footnotes on Femininity

While sitting in the back room of new Mama Buzz with 3 other mostly single lady friends, the touchy subject of anal bleaching came up. To bleach or not to bleach one’s asshole? That is the question. It seems that the answer: yes, these girls want to get their assholes bleached, but I think I’m just gonna opt for a Brazilian wax and leave it at that. I guess a bleached asshole would be nicer to look at, but my aspirations as a porn store were long ago dashed, so apologies to whoever is going to look at my asshole next, but I’m way too lazy and poor to invest in anal bleaching right now.

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Oh, speaking of Brazilian waxes, they are fucking awesome. The full bush look has got to go, ladies. Your aspirations as a porn store can’t be completely dashed. Keep the hope alive.

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Did you know that the biological function of sex is to create babies? Crazy, right? I’m pretty sure most dudes might not be aware of that, due to their propensity to raw dawg it. But, trust me, if you consistently raw dawg hella bitches, not only are you risking catching some dick-fall-off-disease, but you might also put a baby inside someone! Which, I don’t know if you have any pregnant friends or friends with babies, but coming from a strictly Oakland Gutteratti party girl wild child social circle, like, woah. Being pregnant means you can’t drink for 9 months straight, and then after that getting wasted is generally pretty frowned upon. So, again, everybody, WRAP IT UP. (Unless you want kids, of course. Kids are great! But they might not be the best idea for right now for everybody I know.)

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Somebody recently asked me if I mind getting cat called. Let me tell you. The answer is no. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I grew up in the Bay Area and being cat called seems like a socially acceptable part of the culture out here. When I lived in San Francisco, a city where I got very few cat calls, I kinda missed the daily, “Damn, girl, what’s your name?” shouts from moving cars I was so accustomed to in Oakland. In fact, it began to negatively effect my self esteem because if the low life scum bag homeless pimps don’t think I’m attractive, then probably nobody else out there does. Fuck.

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Oh. Attention all the douche bags who say things like, “Oh, ya, man, you can probably just fuck Pilar.” Or, “I’m totally gonna bang Pilar.” Like, WTF, I don’t even talk to you. I don’t even like you. You arrogant, self important, fat, balding pieces of shit. I know where you live, I’m friends with your roommates, I’ll be coming over to your house at 3am, wasted and pugilistic, ready to kick the shit out of you. I don’t care that you’re a dude, I am still going to piss on your bed and smash your computer. And I don’t want to fuck you.

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I’ve been getting fucked in the thighs lately. Which, as one friend put it, “Makes me feel so naughty.” But that’s about it. Thigh fucking kinda maxes out at “naughty,” which lies right below, “titillating.” But, of course, I’m still super down to get thigh fucked. 

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Bracing myself for the total onslaught of Public Frenemies 1-1000 tonight at the Religious Girls show at Night Light. Here’s a list of the people that I really don’t want to have to look at tonight:

Instant AIDS

Other Alissa Tran

That One Girl I Beat Up

And anybody else that I have blocked or has blocked me on Facebook. Because if we’re blocking each other on Facebook, why the fuck are you going to come to my work to hang out? Fucking idiots.

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Attention guys who do not treat my friends (or women in general) 100% golden: I’m onto you.