My Demeaning Demeanor

“Can I ask you something?”

“Yeah, what’s up?”

“So…did you used to tear down my ex’s stickers? Like, three years ago?”

“What the fuck? Huh? No. Seriously?”

“Yeah, well, she told me she thought you were tearing her stickers down after, y’know, I cheated on her with you…”

“Oh, god. Are you for real? You think I’d tear down the stickers of some girl I used to fuck? You think I’m that petty? I already fucked her boyfriend.”

“Yeah, I didn’t think you would.”

“I didn’t even know what she wrote.”

“She just said your stickers popped up next to hers, and hers always got torn down.”

“My stickers always got torn down. I figured because they said “Fuck Feast,” but…wait…oh, no. I bet your ex was tearing them down.”

“Oh, yeah, she’s so crazy she would do something like that.”

“She was kinda obsessed with me after she found out you cheated on her with me, wasn’t she?”

“Yeah, well, you did write that shit about her on your blog. You said she was dumpy. It was pretty mean.”

“Hah. Yeah. Sounds like me. Fucking bitches’ boyfriends and calling them ugly on the Internet.”

“Yeah, she, like, made me get tested after she found out we were sleeping together because she swore you had hella STDs.”

“Are you for real? I’ve never had an STD in my life.”

“I know she just-”

“She started a rumor about me. That’s how psycho that bitch is.”

“Yeah…”

“That explains why she popped up in my house that one time looking all crazy.”

“Well, she really thought you were going to fight her.”

“What! Me? Fight another woman? Over a man? Or, more specifically, over you? Sorry, buddy, you’re great and all but I would never fight another woman just so I could fuck you. That’s kid shit.”

“Ugh. Thanks for that.”

“Look, I’m trying not to be petty about this, but let’s be honest. She’s the type of girl who sucks dick for free. Sucks dick! For free! What kind of antifeminist bullshit is that? That’s the kind of shit that keeps women down: men thinking that they can get their dicks sucked without having to return the favor. I’m not about that shit.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Oh, didn’t you know? The first time I met that girl, she was hanging out with my roommate, and she sucked his dick while he played video games. I have no respect for her. What kind of dumbass gives my roommates free blow jobs. Anybody who does that clearly doesn’t want the respect of her peers.”

“Wait, are you slut shaming her?”

“No! I’m just saying: we do not suck dick for free. She sucked his dick because she wanted him to like her or some stupid bullshit. Or, I don’t know, maybe she’s just slutty. But it’s 2016. If women want men to like them or if they just want to be slutty, they don’t give blow jobs. In the feminist era, we demand oral sex from our casual sex partners. It’s the way the world works now.”

“Well, this explains why you don’t suck my dick.”

“Nah. I don’t suck your dick because you’re not my boyfriend and I don’t love you. Blow jobs must be earned.”

“Well, I’m going to stop eating you out then.”

“No you’re not. Don’t you fucking dare. If you don’t eat me out, I’m not going to fuck you. And if I don’t fuck you, I’m not going to talk to you anymore, because that’s all you’re really good for. So get your ass back in line. We’re doing fair trade anal tonight.”

“No! I don’t want you put anything up my ass!”

“Too bad. You’re pissing me off. I’m putting shit in your ass tonight.”

“Pilar, that’s nonconsensual!”

“I know. And I don’t care.”