Ex Apologies

I guess it’s always satisfying to get an apology from an ex. For whatever reason, be it the fighting, or the mean words, or the cheating, or the general carelessness when it comes to regarding your emotions. It’s nice to get an email or a text message or a Facebook message or sitting down for coffee, and, “Look. I fucked up. I didn’t mean to hurt you.” Yes. That is satisfying.

However, we at Fuck Feast are not amateurs. We are smarter than that, and as someone who frequently pulls the “apologize to the ex” card, I’m well aware of the implications of what that means. You see, exes don’t apologize because all of a sudden they’ve had a severe attack of morality that is compelling them to right all the wrongs they’ve done in their life. Nope, that’s not what it’s about. Apologies are about stringing along a relationship full of manipulation and lies, and apologies are a classic way to regain contact with an ex while coming across as sympathetic, understanding and changed. When, in fact, the apology is just a ploy to enact some well thought out plan of long term revenge. 

This is always obvious. While it can, at times, be unclear what, exactly, the ex wants, there are usually two things that ex wants: sex and revenge. Those two not being mutually exclusive but more mutually integrated into some combination of “Do not let this person fuck with you anymore!” You see, the apology is about worming their way back into your life. It’s about checking up on you. Are you fucking anyone new? Do you have a boyfriend? Are you happy? Or are you utterly miserable without your ex? Perhaps the ex has successfully fucked all your friends and is checking in on you to make sure that you are completely unaware but still subtlely humiliated by that fact. Perhaps the ex wants to date at you again, and this is a move to find you in a moment of weakness. To prey on your vulnerability and get back in there. Very rarely will the ex apology be a truly benign, casual, platonic, “Hey, what’s up!” In fact, if your ex is truly sorry, then why would your ex open up old wounds if not to reinforce a bit of aged pain? 

Therefore, dear readers, we advise that you always be wary of the ex apology, and, if you’re smart, you will apologize to your ex before they get the chance to get the last laugh first in!