I know he doesn’t know this yet, but his true colors are showing. In the small things he does and the off handed comments he makes. I don’t really know what to do about it, as he says things that make it obvious that there is something deeply misogynistic and homophobic within him. He’s talking to me, and I don’t know why, although I do know that all of this comes from his desire for sex. His desire to fuck. And he talks to me, and I know what he wants from me, and I can see his utter inability to attain it And his frustration at that.
In the moment, I’m not quite sure what to do with this. He says nothing explicit or telling, but his misogyny and homophobia are peeking out around the edges. He touches me on the arm, innocuously so, and I know what that means. I shudder slightly. This homophobic, misogynistic man is infatuated with me, and how am I supposed to let him down. How am I supposed to make him go away? It’s a trick question, really, because I can’t make him go away. Due to extenuating circumstances, I will be forced to interact with him for an unknown amount of time.
He doesn’t know anything about me, but he’s infatuated with me nonetheless. I couldn’t imagine what would happen if he knew about me existence on the Internet. Would he light up with surprise and delight if he knew that I’m a thot? Or would he be disgusted by me? I can’t even fathom which one it would be; I can only imagine that if he knew about me on the Internet, he would take it as a license to sexually harass me or be strangely violent with me. A man who hates women does not even know how to process his own hatred towards women, but, rather, acts on it impulsively and, even the face of reason, cannot be rationed with.
How do I move forward with this. And is it my responsibility to fix him? Because by fixing him, I invest in him. And when I invest my time and energy and emotion into fixing someone else’s broken psyche, I allow him into my life. I do not want him in my life, but I want him to be fixed. I want him to not be like this anymore, but I don’t want fixing him to be my job. Although, as he is broken now, and as he remains broken, how many other people will he break before he is fixed? Am I wasting precious time? I would rather fix society, and him in the process, than fix him and him alone, at the risk of so much of myself. Maybe that’s selfish.
How would I fix him anyways? What is the process for that? What kind of conversations am I supposed to have with a homophobic misogynist about feminism and sex positivity? Where do I even begin? How do I broach the subject gently and with tact? Isn’t there a support group I can send him to that will fix is messed up mind? An online tutorial? A YouTube video?
We converse like we always do. I laugh at his jokes, and I look away. Whose responsibility is to console this young man because he has no game and no pussy, and therefore treats me like this? Is it mine? Or should I just destroy him like I always do, mercilessly and ruthlessly. I am choosing the path of least resistance in a journey of pain.