Okay, Imma be honest. I know you’re not reading this blog because you love Christmas. Or the holidays. Or getting your Martha Stewart on and spending hella $$ on presents for other people when, really, let’s face it, why not just spend the money on yourself? Yeah. That’s right. Do it. Get in touch with your inner selfishness. I want you to sulk. I want you to show up at whatever perfunctory Christmas functions you have to show face at and just be a total fucking brat. Fuck holiday spirit. In fact, fuck it, how about you just don’t show up to those Christmas functions at all? Because, you know what, I have something that is way better than listen to old, boring relative/coworker/distant friend’s boyfriend prattle on about whatever health conditions/work drama/dog stuff is going on in their lives. Yeah. Here it is. Here you go. A LINK.
Did you click it? Huh? Did you? No? Ugh. Fine then. Please. Just scroll up a little and click it. There you go…click that fucking link.
Okay, you clicked it, right? Yeah. That was a link to YouTube, mother fucker. God damn mother fucking YouTube. Because, between you and me, YouTube is probably a way better option than getting free drunk, insulting someone you’re supposed to be nice to, and then being forced to carry a bag full of useless plastic China crap home.
And, sure, I know…YouTube. You’ve seen it before. But, we also know that if you’d rather look at porn, you already have those sites bookmarked somewhere on your computer, so, yes, even though we both know that your YouTube surfing will ultimately end with an hour long masturbation session and sticky keyboard – well, you’re an adult. You can find all the porn you want all by yourself.