Who Did You Bring Home For The Holidays?

I was standing with my coworker watching two people make out.

“How do you feel about PDA?” he asked me.

“Fucking gross.”

“Yeah, making out is weird. But it’s the holding hands thing that I can’t stand.”

“Oh, god, yeah. I mean, I’ll make out with someone just to be slutty, but the holding hands is – it’s weird. It makes me uncomfortable.”

“Yeah, like, your hands get all sweaty, and then it’s like, how long do I have to wait before I let go. How soon is too soon?”

“Right! It makes me uncomfortable because if I let go too soon, then it’s like, oh, she has emotional issues. There are so many things I’d rather do in public, and have done in public, before I’d hold hands with someone.¬†Holding hands is like, maybe after two years we can hold hands. But, even then, it’s just awkward.”

“I’d rather take someone home to meet my parents before I’d hold hands with them.”

“Hah, really? I’ve definitely introduced my fuck buddies to my family, so that’s not a good barometer for me.”

“Wait, really?”

“Yeah. My family is really chill and likes people. Plus my mom knows what’s up, so it’s cool. She knows they’re just fuck buddies, but I want her to at least see that I’m fucking hot people so she knows I’m doing well in life. I brought my fuck buddy to Mother’s Day Brunch this year.”

“It doesn’t get weird? Isn’t that like, too much?”

“Yeah, it is weird! That’s why I like it! Like, oh, wanna meet my family? Also, no, we’re not dating, we just fuck, but, hey, at least we’re all cool.”


“Yeah. It’s crazy.”