Having sex in public is a finely finessed art, and doing it in Oakland (aka the robbery capital of America) is even trickier. Of course, it’s always important to consider that while your pants are down around your ankles and your going at it with one or more other people, are you vulnerable as a victim of a robbery? Yes. Yes, you are. However, on the flipside, you don’t want to get picked up by the cops for indecent exposure (although, shouldn’t the cops be looking for people who are robbing other people instead of penalizing the merry galavanters of Downtown Oakland watering holes?) or become the buzzworthy spectacle of a group of fellow bar flies. So, it is with great aplomb that we would like to share some of our favorite places for having sex in Downtown Oakland while bar hopping. Because it’s way easier to bang in a parking lot than to take home some stranger and deal with kicking them out of your bed at 4 am, and also if you’re still Downtown you can go get a drink after! (And, also, your significant other probably isn’t scouring alleyways, looking for you and evidence of your cheating heart.)
So, here we go, broken down bar by bar, with the closest, most convenient place to have sex:
Ruby Room The library is right across the street. Of course, sometimes people (aka CNN, shout out to CNN) are hosting their anti-Ruby Room parties there, so you could go check out the Lake, although do so with caution. I’m not sure what the new promenade is like at night, but a hobo threatened to pull a gun on my friend for not bumming him a cigarette, so maybe just stick with the library and if it’s busy try elsewhere. Also, the Lake is plagued with joggers, but I’m sure late night joggers are used to that kind of thing. Also, see Radio.
355/Layover If you’re stumbling around in a drunken haze, there are quite a few parking lots that you’ll come upon where you can pull your pants down, bend over and engage in some quick fucking. Of course, remember that the Chase parking lot is not ideal because other drunk idiots will be trying to withdraw cash with which to close their tab at the cash only bars, and the high traffic in that general area can be problematic.
Uptown in General This one is hard because it’s so high traffic, but, if you’re feeling bold and you’ve assessed the situation properly, on a slower night in Bar Land, the art park or the parking lot by the Uptown condos might suffice.
Kona Club Piedmont. Cemetery.
Radio This one comes with a very “Be Careful!” warning because the stick up kids at De Lauer’s will take any opportunity to rob anybody. However, if you walk down 13th street a few blocks, there’s a parking lot across the street from the Post Office that is filled with mail trucks, and at bar o’clock no one is coming or going from this parking lot, so it’s a good bet. Also, close to McDonald’s for post-coitus treats.
Merchant’s You’d think that a little romp in the hay on the marina with the water in view would be ideal, but it’s fairly well lit and frequented by a lot of people who are smoking cigarettes and also living there. It might be okay for a hand job, but otherwise, there are few places where you can get down in the Merchant’s vicinity. The produce workers keep the whole area well lit and bustling as they forklift flats of iceberg lettuce from here to there, but I did hear a rumor once that a bartender came out from behind the bar and gave a blow job to a happy customer, so…They also have a photo booth inside the bar. I mean, I’m not saying that you should have sex in Merchant’s proper, so don’t quote me on this shit!
Legionnaire The best option I’ve ever found by Legionnaire (aka formerly Paradiso) was the parking lot behind the bar. Of course, it’s probably best to stay in your car, do some oral, maybe not rock it too much. The neighborhood in general is kinda dicey, and you don’t want to be out in the open because you WILL get robbed, and also people park their cars back there so maybe it’s a better idea to just drive home, or to the hills.
Room 389 Well, obviously, if you’re a gay man and you don’t already know the answer to this one, then shame on you! If you’re a straight person trying to get down by Room 389, I think it’s probably best if you move on somewhere else and let the gay guys run their turf, because the stretch of street behind Room 389 by the Lake is a notorious gay hook up spot, so, please, folks, be polite, and if you see two guys humping/sucking in the back of a car, just keep walking.
Era/Plum The Cathedral is a block away. Having sex while looking at a Church is pretty cool, although inside might be tricky because I’m sure they lock that shit up. But if you’re ballsy, try the mausoleum. It’s cool down there.
Geo Kayes/Kerry House Ah, yes, two bars that are located pretty close to residential neighborhoods. As usual, if you’re feeling drunk enough to be brave enough, you can always wonder off into these relatively safe neighborhoods and find some nook in front of some overpriced house full of rich Temescal people and stick it to the man by sticking it to your man or woman in the preferred orifice. Of course, seeing as it is a nice neighborhood, if you get caught, they might call the cops, but we all know that the cops never show up for anything, ever, not even in rich neighborhoods, so practice your ‘quickly pulling up your pants and running’ technique, and you’ll probably be fine.
AND remember everybody: if you’re having sex in public, always wear a condom! Fucking in the open is a pretty dirty thing to do, but why make it dirtier by spreading STDs?
Stay ratchet, y’all!