Being Bad In Bed Is For The Birds And Also Day One Fuckers

“Ugh, I’m just so sick of fucking dead fish.”


I’m hanging out with my friend’s new roommate when he subtly drops this into our mature, adult conversation about a variety of things. But it takes me off guard, and I immediately turn around to stare at him because, what the fuck? Dead fish? There are dead fish out there still? Are you serious?

I look at the guy in question and feel so confused: he’s pretty hot, and he’s not white, so why is he getting saddled with bad pussy?

“Yo, you’re picking them wrong. You can tell from the moment you meet a person how they fuck just based on the way they talk or walk or eat their food.”

“Yeah, but I didn’t figure it out until it was too late…”

He trails off a bit because I think he can tell that I’m utterly baffled by his statement. Just to be clear, the reason I’m so baffled is because I’ve never heard any of my male friends ever say this before. And most of my male friends have slept with hundreds upon hundreds of women. Sure, they probably had a few dead fish in there, but they probably treat dead fish in the bedroom the same way they would treat dead, rotting fish in real life: get away from it is as fast as possible, never talk about it, and never make the same mistake twice. It’s a move that speaks to a certain level of sexual intelligence; just as I can read a little dick with a fear of vaginas off a man, these men have learned how to avoid pillow queens and dead fish.

My current co-conversationalist, however, seems to be a little bit lower on the learning curve. But that’s the thing about him: he’s not from here. Me and all my friends? We’re all Bay Area natives, and with being a Bay Area native comes a certain level of swagger, a dash of street smarts, and the foresight to never, ever be bad in bed. I am proud to announce that, yes, all my friends know how to fuck. They are all beautiful people who are wonderful in bed. Trust me! I’ve test driven¬†almost every single one. And for this guy who’s not from here – maybe he just doesn’t know. Maybe he doesn’t know what it takes as a woman in this city, and you know damn straight as you’re walking down the street and all the other beautiful women in their beautiful clothes with their beautiful butts strutting around, selling it cheap but you still know that if you can’t suck dick as good as the bitch on the street corner then you ain’t shit. You figure it out from an early age if you engage in the culture of the Bay Area: being bad in bed is simply unacceptable. You can be ugly as sin, but if you’re bad in bed, you probably won’t have any friends.

It’s easy to tell who abides by that and who does not. There’s a certain look in the eye of a man with an average to perhaps below average dick but knows what he has to do in order to fuck like a champ. He knows he has to tie her to the bed, eat her out til she cums four times, slap her face with his dick, stick it in her butt, and spank her with the force of a man with a big dick. And you can tell if a guy has a nice dick just by the way he carries himself, but what’s more important is figuring out if the guy with a nice dick is going to bring his A game to the bedroom or if he’s just going to jackhammer your pussy for two minutes and then be awkward afterwards because sometimes that’s the things with guys with nice dicks: they don’t always know that they’re bad in bed because pretty people and pretty dicks rarely get the feedback they need. I’m sure that this general philosophy can be translated to women, as well.

So as I continue to talk to this guy and try to explain to him that he doesn’t ever need to risk having bad sex ever again, I realize, oh, lordy, he has no idea what’s in store for him as a new resident of Oakland and a newcomer to our social circle. These girls are ready to fuck the shit out of somebody like him on a moment’s notice, and then walk away right after. I wonder what will happen to him. I wonder if he’ll get lost in the fray of our collective sexual mania, and I wonder if it will be fun to watch. So I sit back and smile, and I wait for my¬†world to eat him, one piece at a time.