Ass Versus Tits: Things I Hear Boys Say

“I’ve been fucking emaciated girls lately, and it pains me physically.”

I follow a lot of pro-POC femininity blogs here on Tumblr, and lately all I’ve been looking at online is Tumblr, so whenever I see skinny white girls in Ralph Lauren ads it just looks so passe.

The only reason I can think that guys are attracted to skinny, sallow, hairless creatures is that it must be some sort of off shoot of some nascent ephebophilia. It kinda makes sense that dudes are always trying to fuck newly pubescent girls, mostly because men have evolved the biological instinct to try to impregnate the most fertile creature out there. 

That being said, this is all kinda contradicted by the male fetish for ASS. 

Now that I’m older, sometimes my mom asks me questions about the way the world works, instead of vice versa. I remember exactly the day when this happened. We were driving around San Francisco, and I was probably bragging about how great my ass had been looking recently, when she asked me, “Pilar, why are black guys so into ass?”

It’s kinda a surprising question to have your mom ask you, especially since I got my ass from my mom, and hers is actually way bigger than mine. I just have this unsettling vision in my head of my mom being my age, up in some dark 1960s jazz club, getting her ass fondled by a bunch of black dudes, and wondering, “What is this about?” It pains me to think that when my mom was younger, she was naive to the fact that her ass was her #1 asset. Maybe she could have gotten further in life if she had been hip to the fact that ass is the #1 cause of lusciousness in women.

“Um, mom, it’s because it makes fucking doggy style much more pleasant, and also for anal sex,” I replied. 

I’m not really sure what my mom did with that newly found information, but I hope that I never find out. 

On the other hand, my mom new what tits were good for. Society for decades has openly lauded the sexual utility of tits. Sure, tits are great, and maybe we’re all taking them for granted, because I can’t remember the last time I heard a guy say, “Wow, she has great tits!” As though it were a disclaimer for sexual superiority. 

In fact, I feel like if ever heard a guy say, “She has great tits!” I’d immediately become suspicious of his sexual orientation. It just sounds like the sort of thing that a closeted gay guy heard some Hollywood star say in some Hollywood movie that had a secret agenda to propagate the spurious monogamy subtext, so he decided that if he started talking about how much he likes tits, no one would suspect what’s really going on in his midnight fantasies. 

Tits are just awesome, and if you have to go around acting like that’s new information, then you’re just new to the game, homie.

However, ass is something worth talking about, mostly because ANAL SEX and we all want everybody to be into that, and also because anal sex is better than titty fucking anyways, amiright??

Long story short, props to ass, and then props to tits, and then no props to you if you have neither, go eat a steak and drink some estrogen pumped state issued EBT milk.