“If I have sex and I don’t cum, it makes me feel dirty. Like, eiw, I just let some guy jizz everywhere and I didn’t get anything out of it.”
I was 18 when one of my coworkers said that to me in passing conversation, and it’s obviously something that stuck with me. That was the first time that another woman had talked to me about having an orgasm during sex, and it blew my mind.
It was recently brought back to my attention on Twitter the other day that not all women cum from sex or even cum regularly. There was a point in my life when the majority of my sexual experiences nonorgasmic, and as a multiple orgasmic woman now, I can tell you that the main difference between being orgasmic and nonorgasmic had less to do with the way that I fuck but more to do with 1) feeling comfortable orgasming alone and with others because I practice cumming constantly via masturbation, sexual exploration and other general freaky, promiscuous behavior 2) knowing that having an orgasm during a sexual experience is my right and my goal in any sexual experience, and the failure to have an orgasm during sex is something that should be considered, discussed and rectified 3) developing the sexual communication skills with which to communicate the reality of my right to have an orgasm and the methods with which it can be achieved.
The question on Twitter asked, “Why are women not cumming during sex?” The answers seemed to range in a purely physical level, but addressing the systemic social issues behind the so-called myth of the female orgasm and the psychological impact it has on women might shed more light on why we aren’t cumming enough. Saying “not enough clit attention” fails to address the fact that the lack of the female orgasm is pervasive in our culture; because we don’t talk about it, because we’ve been told that it takes too long for us to cum, and because of all the other general male bull shit cop outs that they use to blame us for nonorgasmic experiences rather than allowing their masculinity to be blamed, we are allowing sex to be nonorgasmic for us and for the women that come after us. (No pun intended.)
This is why we need to talk about sex, and this is why I talk about sex constantly. With enough practice and communication with the right partner, I can achieve four to eight orgasms in one sexual experience. So it’s easy for me to forget that there are still women out there who don’t even know how to have one.
The fact of the matter is: men are not going to take responsibility for giving us orgasms. So we have to take the initiative when it comes to cumming with our partners. As stated above, one of the first steps to having an orgasm with your partner is to practice, practice, practice. You are the master of your own orgasm, and you know what the best ways to make yourself cum are. Masturbation is key to this, especially if you have never had an orgasm before or don’t know what one feels like. You’ll never know how to instruct your partner how to get you off if you don’t know how to do it yourself. Plus, the more you masturbate, the better your orgasms become. This is because orgasms use the vaginal muscles, and much like going to the gym and doing cardio, the more you work your orgasm muscles, the stronger those muscles become and the more intense your orgasms become. Pretty cool, right? So get out there and start masturbating!
If you find you are having trouble cumming during intercourse with your partner, my go-to move is to ask my partner to watch me masturbate. It puts no responsibility on my partner to perform sexually, yet it allows my partner to watch the techniques I use, to learn, to look at my pussy, and to watch the wonderful show of me cumming. I can also use this time to watch his reaction: is he fascinated by my pussy? Does he love watching me cum? Or does he look squeamish and uncomfortable? Let’s be honest here: if a dude can’t handle looking at my pussy and watching me cum, then how can he handle sticking his dick in there? What’s going to happen when I sit on his face? Nothing good. This is a great litmus test for assessing your partner’s sexual attitudes, and also can help you feel confident and comfortable putting your beautiful body on display. Giving yourself an orgasm can help you get over the stage fright aspects of cumming during sex, and it lets your partner know what your orgasm sounds like and looks like. After you make yourself cum, ask him if he wants to try.
Developing the sexual communication skills are also necessary to getting your god given orgasm. As a woman, I have found so much information on what I need to do in order to keep a man sexually satisfied. It’s almost inescapable, really, but it seems that there is not an equal amount of readily available information for men when it comes on mastering the art of making your girl cum. So it’s our job to give these boys some hands on education when it comes to letting them know what makes us go. Unfortunately, developing sexual communication skills isn’t something that can be taught in a six week college course, or googled, or bull shitted. Developing sexual communication skills requires confidence and trust (mostly self trust). It’s something that might even require bravery, because heaven knows that sometimes conversations about sexual needs can be met with male insecurity that can manifest as denial and anger. But it’s a skill that’s worth developing, because it’s a nuanced skill that constantly changes, especially with each new partner.
If you’re wondering how to develop your sexual communication, the first step can be as simple as saying, “I didn’t cum.” Three little words. I have to admit that I’ve heard it from men before, always with this wounded yet entitled air of “you failed to give me an orgasm, therefore this entire experience is a failure.” The expectation is that I will say, “Oh, I’m so sorry! What can I do to make you cum?” However, as women, it can be difficult to even gather the courage to say, “I didn’t cum.” Perhaps this is because we aren’t instructed by society to feel entitled to an orgasm at the end of every sexual experience, but, guess what, girlfriend: today, you are!
The problem with letting him know explicitly that you didn’t cum is who knows what will happen next. From my experience, that statement is generally met with, “Huh?” Which basically translates to, “You? Cum? Why would you expect that to happen?” A man might feel emasculated, especially if he has no idea what he has to do to make you cum. Which takes us full circle to the masturbation thing: this is the perfect time to make him watch you masturbate! (And if that means dragging out the Hitachi wand, then so be it. He should know how to use that thing, too.) He already came, and you’re still kinda wound up. So, fuck it. What have you got to lose? A lover who doesn’t make you cum? Who wants that in the first place?
Once you’ve mastered the art of sexual communication (or at least start getting good at it), your familiarity with your body and your orgasm will help you know exactly what it is you need to ask for from your lovers. You need some butt stuff? Ask for it! You want some oral sex? Ask away! It takes you longer to cum than he does? Well, let’s teach this guy some orgasm delay! Getting down in the bathroom at a bar with two other people and a pile of cocaine? Ok, cool! If he says no – then on to the next one. We’re living in a world of choice here, ladies. There’s no need to settle for less than the best.
So, after all this, if you’re still having trouble cumming, well – I’m just a girl with a blog on the Internet. Your sexual journey is your own, and I can’t tell you the right path to take. But I hope you find the right path, because, my god, cumming is pretty awesome. And, as one woman speaking to another, if you find a way that works for your orgasm, I’d be really interested in hearing what you’ve done to have better sex. It might help other women find the path to their best orgasm, too.
And, on a final note, I would just like to clarify that this has nothing to do with feminism. Feminism is a social philosophy based around gender equality, and there is nothing equal about the male and female orgasm. Feminism fights for equality, and in this case it would be equality in the bedroom. But I’m not looking for equality. I’m not looking for an equal number of orgasms. My body is capable of having four orgasms for every one orgasm that a man has. I can have eight, even! Or ten! Ten mind blowing orgasms, each orgasm stronger and better than the last. There is nothing equal about my body’s orgasmic capacity. My body’s orgasmic capacity is vastly superior to any man’s. So, fuck equality. I deserve to be having ten times more orgasms than a man, and there’s nothing fair about that. But I’m still going to try. Yeah, it does get pretty exhausting at times, but, damn, it is pretty fun. And I hope that all the other women out there find a way to join me in this land of superior orgasmic capacity. It’s fucking cool.