Abolish Marriage

It’s been a long day. 

No – it’s been a long week. Really, it’s been a long life, but maybe instead of looking for excuses I should just plead guilty: I really had no reason – none, whatsoever – to be on Facebook lurker status one million. Yet, there I was, on a Sunday night. All the lights off in my room, no music playing, and what do I happen to stumble upon but…the wedding photos of two of my high school “friends.” (Friends being a loose term, but mostly one of them was my best friend from 6th grade, the other an irritating acquaintance with whom I competed academically.) 

I guess it has been 7 years since I graduated high school. I don’t really think about high school very much. I try not to use it as a social point of reference, mostly because people who talk about their high school glory days are very sus. And I don’t really talk to anyone I went to high school with, which is probably why I had no clue that these two girls got married this summer. 

I don’t know. Something about being 25 and getting married just seems so ersatz. As I spitefully perused the wedding photos, I was quickly overwhelmed with a sense of, “Oh, these dumb bitches and their weddings. What fools.” Because as I looked at their bodies squished into some white abomination of a wedding dress, the only thing I could really think of to make myself feel better was, “I wonder how long it’ll be before the dudes cheat on their wives.” After which I dreamed up some over elaborate scenario wherein, many years down the line, these women learn the true meaning of love and marriage when their boring white husbands start fucking young 20 somethings with slender legs, fashionable hair cuts and tight vaginas that haven’t passed several human beings through it. 

Of course, maybe I’m just bitter, but it should also be duly noted that women rushing down the wedding aisle totally disgust me. As I reevaluate my immediate social circle and compare it to the reality that Facebook threw in my face this evening, I realize that the majority of my white bread, chicken fed, middle class, alt cultured hipster cohorts have not subscribed to a culture that values marriage. Or even relationships for that matter, because, as a lifelong member of the single forever crew, holy shit, there are so many other people who are also in the single forever crew. As in I’m pretty sure that the majority of the Oakland Gutteratti who are active on Twitter right now are single. That’s a comforting thing. Maybe I’ve found my niche.

And I don’t really care if anybody else has found the love of their life, because as someone who is not looking for the love of her life because the concept in and of itself just seems like a total sham, can’t we just abolish marriage? Cuz if the gays can’t have it, it probably isn’t that fabulous to begin with, because gays are far superior to us heterosexuals and are probably too good for it anyways.