A 4 Part Lesson on How to be a Cruel, Conniving Piece of Shit

“You know the movie Cruel Intentions, right?” ~ someone

“Yeah.” ~ me

“Well she was telling me all about that movie, except you and Miguel were the brother and sister.” ~ someone

“Hm. Interesting.” ~ me

***

“My ex boyfriend doesn’t really like the girls I’ve been hanging out with lately.” ~ someoneĀ 

“You mean me, so&so and so&so?” ~ me

“Yeah. He says that you guys remind him of the girls from the movie Heathers.” ~ someone

“I think that he might be kinda right, though.” ~ me

***

“Oh my god I hate her. She called me fat on the Internet! She, like, posted it on my Facebook wall for everybody to see.” ~ someone

“We should all just friend her on Facebook, and then we can all comment on her wall, ‘Hey bitch, how do you like being fat?’ ” ~ me

“Holy shit, yes!” ~ someone

***

“Stop being mean to my friend!” ~ friend of someone I’ve been text bombing lately.

“No, I don’t want to. I’ve earned this. I’ve earned the right to be a bitch. He totally deserves it.” ~ me

“No, Pilar, it’s seriously not cool.” ~ friend of someone

“But I’m getting a lot of gratification from it! I’m seriously getting off! Please don’t do this to me. Don’t make me stop.” ~ me

“No, you’re, like, ruining his life.” ~ friend of someone

“Yes!!! That’s exactly what I wanted!!” ~ me

“Grow up, Pilar.” ~ friend of someone

“I’m having a temper tantrum right now!!!” ~ me