Shut Up and Don’t Fuck Me

Last weekend I was forced to spend time with someone with whom I had casually hooked up. It was…

We were stuck in traffic, driving back to Oakland, and I was trying desperately to get high in an attempt to stave off the momentary ennui, when it came: the conversation. You know what I’m talking about. The conversation you have with someone that you don’t really know very well, that you probably don’t want to know very well, but find yourself slogging through as a general nicety.

“Have you ever used one of those vibrators – you know, one of those crazy ones with the big white balls at the top?”

“Yeah, I have…”

“Those are weird! I can’t believe people actually use those.”

“Everyone I know uses those. Nothing else.”

“Woah, really? Like, girls you know masturbate?”

“Um. What?”

“Like half the girls I know won’t even admit that they masturbate.”

“Who the fuck are these girls you know?”

“That’s just girls. Why do people use those crazy vibrators?”

“The hitachis? I mean…have you ever seen porn?”

“Yes” [defensively] “but they use the normal vibrators in the porn I watch.”

“Oh, well, peopleĀ  use them because of the multiples.”

“What, like they have crazy settings?”

“They have two settings…”

“Am I making you uncomfortable?”


At this point, I took an uncommonly long drag off my vape pen and pulled out my phone. I realize that perhaps this was a missed opportunity to teach a man about how to properly have sex, but I didn’t have the energy or the motivation to do it.

I mean, come on. People are still not game to hitachi wands? I thought that hitachi wands were the favorite sex toy of anyone who has or who fucks someone who has a clitoris. But, clearly, if we’re talking about vibrators and the term “multiples” doesn’t mean “multiple orgasms” to you, then I don’t want to sit there and explain that the female body is capable of multiple, rolling orgasms, and I happen to be one of those women who really enjoys having multiple, rolling orgasms. I already knew that he wasn’t one of those guys who gets a thrill out of controlling a woman’s body and watching her cum over and over and over again. And those are the only kind of guys I like to fuck, so I sat there patiently and waited for all of this to be over with. When will this be over with.

Oh, I guess he was making me uncomfortable.