Three months ago, I shut this blog down.
The reasons for that were myriad. On the one hand, I had always talked about shutting this blog down. As of late, my sex life hadn’t really been sex-blog worthy. I guess that’s something you don’t realize until it’s over: it was a slutty phase, and just a phase, and now that the phase is over, I’m okay with doing things like being a monogamous relationship and not sleeping around and picking up random guys at the bar isn’t really that fun for me anymore. Of course, while I was in my slutty phase, I really did it. And I wrote about it. And you read it.
I was growing out of my mid 20’s sexual angst, and while it was fun, the fact of the matter is: I changed. All of this changed me. Writing about my sexual and romantic exploits on a daily basis wasn’t fitting. I had evolved as a writer. I had cashed in on a few opportunities to write for more reputable publications, such as the East Bay Express and other highly visible blogs. So maybe it was time to move on.
But that’s not really why I shut the blog down. I shut it down suddenly and without warning, and the reason for that is something traumatic happened to me. It involved someone I used to sleep with. It was violent. It involved him with a gun pointed at me, and while I managed to get him out of my house on that particular night, I didn’t handle the situation very well beyond that. A couple overdoses later, I was picked up by the cops unconscious and bleeding and naked a few blocks from my house.
That was three months ago. Today, my life is starkly different from what it was then, although, on the surface, it probably looks the same. While what happened to me was very traumatic, the aftermath of that incident is what really proved to be a struggle. There’s nothing quite like almost dying to figure out your friends are and who’s not your friend. Unfortunately, I found out that quite a few people who I thought loved me were not my friends. On the other hand, the people who stuck by me even when vicious rumors about me were circulating around Oakland – well, those people are the keepers, and I love them fiercely.
I shut the blog down because I was afraid. I was afraid of the person who assaulted me. I was afraid he would try to do something like that again. I had to run away for a while. I was also afraid of the people in my life who saw my moment of weakness and used it as an opportunity to try to run me out of town or make me feel permanently broken. They failed. But it still hurt.
I don’t know what this blog means to other people or if it’s even a part of the Oakland oeuvre that defines us as an art town. But I can’t just abandon my baby. I’ve had this blog for almost five years now. As I grow older, I’m mostly just inclined to laugh at some of the outlandish things I said, but, hey, I’m glad I said them because no one else was going to say it. I’m just not interested in putting my personal safety at risk because it’s entertaining, and I have a lot more to say about a lot of other topics beyond just sexuality.
That being said, I’d also like to note that today we live in a world that is starkly different from the one we inhabited three months ago. That’s true for all of us, but most specifically for those of us who have been on the underground Oakland arts circuit cum political parade for years. We took a lot of L’s recently, but even as this blog dies down, and even as I veer away from the life I used to live, rest assured: I am still out here, fighting. I’m fighting for you. I’m fighting for us.
I’m involved in a lot of local projects that I’m not going to list here, mostly because I’m paranoid about the use of social media in these dark times, not just because of the people I mentioned above but also because of the government. I have noticed lately that social media has been engulfed in the flames of how are we supposed to move forward, but I would like to mention that as a woman who recently suffered an attack at the hands of a man, I am shocked by the emotional parallels I feel between how I feel standing up for myself as a woman who was assaulted and the nasty blow back I received (mostly from women), and how I feel standing up for myself as a citizen of America in the face of political changes in which I do not believe. The struggle I have as a woman in a man’s world is now the struggle that we collectively face as people aspiring for freedom in an increasingly fascist society. So let me tell you: they will hate us forever for fighting for ourselves. As soon as we defend ourselves, we are no longer victims but perpetrators of the crime of the pursuit of freedom. I am not tired of fighting this battle, and I hope you will fight alongside me.