Review: Fire & Ice Condoms

Whenever I’m in the “Family Planning” aisle at Walmart, usually I just spring for the condoms that are on sale today. Sure, I can always score condoms at various free clinics and free love inclined coffee shops in Oakland, but it’s always good to have some back up, just in case. About a week and a half ago I bought a 36 pack of Trojans, you know, the one that has 4 different varieties of condoms on them. Generally, it would never occur to me to buy those weird “Fire & Ice” condoms or anything other than standard, cheap condoms because, I’ll be honest, I’m not the one with the penis and different types of condoms don’t really create any marginal increase in pleasure, so who cares. (Maybe the dude cares, but if he really cares that much, shouldn’t he be the one buying condoms? And while we’re on that subject, how come it’s always my responsibility to have the condoms? Dudes in this city are so underprepared. I guess every boy in Oakland failed in the Boy Scouts department.)

Anyways, back on topic. I wasn’t really paying attention to the type of condom that the boy was putting on (mostly I just cared that it got on there), but after a few minutes there was this weird tingly-numb sensation in my pussy that immediately made me think, “I’m dying inside my vagina.” But, no, a few seconds later, I thought, “Maybe I’m contracting an STD right now and this is what it feels like.” Shortly after that, “Why is his dick making me feel all weird down there? Did he dip his dick in cocaine? Should I go to the hospital? Maybe this is a sign of a serious health condition?”

I mean, maybe it’s just like every other time I try something new and it’s just kinda foreign and I don’t really know if I like it. Maybe if I had felt less like this was the sign of a serious health condition, maybe it would have been more enjoyable. But, honestly, they put analgesic on their condoms and it gave me a slightly burning sensation in my vagina? Yikes. That’s not really that cool. I’d rather everything just be coated in cocaine instead. I didn’t get the review from him on these condoms, but I wonder if numbing your genitals during sex maybe helps dudes last longer? Or make it harder to come?

I have like 3 or 4 of these stupid condoms left, and I don’t know if I’m going to foist them on some of my friends to use or if I’m just going to suffer through it and learn to love it. 

What’s your opinion on the matter?