On Eating Ass

“You have to, like, lick it.”

There I am, in some random living room in North Oakland, on my knees with a dick in my mouth and his balls in my hand, and he’s giving me instructions on how to best execute this blow job. I know what he’s talking about. He’s talking about his asshole. He’s talking about me not sticking a finger up there, because that’s something I enjoy doing during blow jobs, although I have to keep on reminding myself that I need to ask for explicit consent every time I do it instead of just going for it like some creepy dude that “just goes for it.” Now, I’m a ‘stick a finger up the asshole’ kind of girl and not an ‘eating ass’ kind of girl, mostly because there’s something very human centipede-esque about eating ass. I’m not knocking eating ass, I’m just saying that eating ass is one of those sexual activities – like pissing in a girl’s mouth – that I hear about and think, “Huh, I wonder what freak ho came up with this wacky ass bullshit and thought it was hot.” (Answer: probably a bunch of twacked out gay guys. Gerbiling? Light bulbs up the ass? Yeah, who came up with that stuff! Definitely not a bunch of nice looking white chicks. I mean, we gotta give them credit, though, those guys are really pushing the envelope of sexuality beyond what any of us thought was humanly possible or even remotely erotic.)

That being said, as I was kneeling there with that dick in my mouth, it occurred to me, “Yeah, I’m a freak, I’ll try anything once.” Especially if I think it’s going to get my current sexual partner off or elevate the sexual experience beyond the mundane. I’m just a generous person. Not to mention, I find saying “no” to sexually expansive opportunities to be really boring and kind of a turn off. Although, as with anything that pushes my sexual boundaries, I had to take a moment to reassess exactly what it was about eating ass that made me feel a bit squeamish or resistant. I guess there’s something about fecal matter in the mouth that is slightly nauseating, kind of like a dirty sanchez. There’s also a certain amount of trust that goes into eating ass: trust in the person to be kind and loving as they guide you down a path of the unknown, and also trust that this person took a shower today. As I juggled his nuts in my mouth, I realized that despite the fact that I had been getting into some of the nastiest shit ever with this guy, there was something about eating ass in particular that was making me feel uncomfortable. And then I realized that I actually didn’t want to put my mouth on his asshole, mostly because after the last time we fucked at me house, he asked to take a shower. So I gave him a towel, and pointed him to the bathroom. After which I realized that I had forgotten to give him the soap, and there was no soap in bathroom, so I knocked on the door and said, “I forgot to give you the soap.” To which he replied, “That’s okay, I don’t need it.”

That’s okay, I don’t need it?!?!?! As I was kneeling on the scratchy 4 am living room carpet, dangerously close to putting my mouth on this guy’s asshole, I realized: this is a bad idea. This guy is dirty as fuck. And while, yeah, sure, maybe being dirty as fuck should have precluded a whole series of other sexual activities that we had already engaged in – well, it’s too late for that, and, also, sometimes the crazy dirty ones are the funnest ones to fuck. Although, knowing that he doesn’t use soap means he probably doesn’t have great hygiene, so, nah, I’m gonna save my first ass eating experience for another day and another (cleaner) person. Also, I wash my sheets immediately after every time I fuck him because, yeah, he’s hella dirty, and there’s nothing quite as stomach churning as going to sleep the night after in a puddle of cum, sweat and lube. Especially when that person doesn’t use soap.

So, kiddos, the moral of the story is: if you want someone to eat your asshole, make sure you use soap when you take showers because it’s just polite and common courtesy.