Someone asked me what criteria I use to rate the sex that I have, and I thought I’d share them with you.
Tools This actually isn’t criteria that I use to rate the sex that I have. Rather, the tools are the ground work for sex, and rather than being criteria upon which the sex is judged, the tools set the playing field for the sexual interaction. Judging the tools themselves is futile, mostly because the tools cannot be changed. The tools that you have are the tools that you have to use, and unless the tools are extremely broken or pretty nonfunctional, using the tools as the basis for judgment is short sighted and close minded. You know what I’m talking about here: you can’t judge your sexual experience with someone based on the appearance of their genitalia. Sure, some tools are higher quality than other tools, and some tools just work better than others, but a person’s set of physical tools – his body, his dick, her pussy, her tits, the way he smells – are generally not things that we have absolute control over. We have control over our physical appearance, but physical appearance is criteria within the realm of attraction, not sexual experience. It’s not the tools you have, it’s how you use them. So, yeah. Just wanted to clarify that.
Technique Okay, so this is very basic. The first time I have sex with someone, I try to keep it pretty vanilla just because I want to make sure that my partner has a mastery of basic technique. As a woman judging men, basic technique means: how does this person initiate sex? How does this person initiate touch? How does this person talk about sex? How does this person initiate and administer oral sex? How does this person ask for oral sex? How does this person respond to touch? How does this person respond to genital contact? How does this person initiate genital contact? Or, basically: how does this person fuck? Technique is about the thrust, the touch, the positions, a fluency is sexual activities. An example of bad technique would be someone who shoves it in and then bumps around in the missionary for five minutes. Good technique, on the other hand, would be someone who has mastered the sensuality of fucking, shuffles through various positions, and whose sexual repertoire includes kissing, oral sex, hands on fucking, a variety of positions, and other sexual activities.
If someone has not mastered sexual technique, I will not sleep with him again. Sexual technique is very basic, but it’s not the only aspect of sexuality. It doesn’t take a lot of practice to master sexual technique, but it does require a willingness to learn and experiment. Technique is something that permeates all my criteria for sexual analysis, but technique in and of itself is important to acknowledge because it is something that people tend to over look and forget about. Mastering the basics is essential to becoming a master of sex.
Style Once one has mastered technique, one can introduce style to one’s sexuality. Beyond just technical proficiency, style is the way in which one fucks. Style is the personal touch to fucking, what makes fucking unique to that person and not just standard, dull, run of the mill fucking. A person can master the basics of fucking but have absolutely no sexual style. There’s a difference between fucking exactly like the way you saw people fuck in porn and fucking in a way that you love to fuck. You can fuck like a robot, or you can fuck like yourself, and, trust me, the latter is way better for all parties involved.
One’s sexual style can be assessed based on one’s sexual proclivities and habits. Sexual style can be the way you suck toes, the way that you bury your face in someone’s tits, the way you caress, the things you whisper, the level of violence you incorporate into fucking, the amount of tenderness you give. Judging someone on their sexual style is a purely subjective task, as sexual styles must be compatible in order to work out. Disliking someone’s sexual style isn’t necessarily an attack their ability to fuck properly. Rather, it’s an admission of incompatibility. The only time that sexual style can be dissed is when it is thoroughly absent. That’s pretty boring.
Communication Moving beyond the realm of the physical and into the psychological aspects of sex, the ability to communicate is essential to a positive sexual experience, and assessing communication within the sexual experience is an excellent criteria for rating your sexual experience. The relevance of communication during the sexual experience is crucial, much in the same way that we see communication in every aspect of human life, both sexual and nonsexual, as essential to pleasant human interactions. Miscommunication in any forum can be cause for discord and unhappiness, so working on one’s sexual communication skills and ensuring that you have a good basis for communication with your sexual partner is a part of having good sex.
When rating your sexual experience based on communication, a willingness to communicate and an ability to respond is what you’re looking for. You want a willingness to communicate likes, wants, needs and dislikes in a sensitive, sexy and mature way. Communicating throughout the sexual act about what feels good, what positions work, where you’re at in the moment is part of the communication criteria. Much in the same way that a good conversation flows, the communication during sex should be natural, not forced, not overly garrulous, and present on both a physical and psychological plane.
Control Lastly, a partner’s control within the entire sexual experience, the ability to bring together all above elements of sexuality, to be present, to gel with your sexual partner, to master the expressions of pleasure both on the giving and receiving end, elements of emotional control that manifest in communication, elements of control over one’s body and movements, and control over the entire experience as a whole are all part of the control criteria. This isn’t about being controlling or having control, power or domination within the situation, but, rather, about self possession, about confidence in one’s ability, and a mastery of every aspect of sexuality. Likewise, it’s not about having total control over the sexual experience, but, ultimately, about being able to lose control into the sexual experience. Control is what makes a good lover a great lover, because while a lover can be technically proficient, stylistically interesting and able to communicate, if there is a lack of control of any aspect of the self or presence in the situation, then the sex can suffer. Having control over the sexual chemistry, being able to manipulate desire and lust, to translate that into positive sexual experiences, is a rare skill.