If You’re Gonna Be a Thot, At Least Do It With Grace and Style

I was recently told by one of my lovers that I have a high pussy IQ. I appreciated the sentiment, and I realized that as a slutty chick, it’s my duty to help elevate everybody’s pussy IQ. It’s easy to sleep around, but it’s hard to navigate the social waters and the ramifications of sluttery. While some of us may choose promiscuity as a lifestyle and others experiment with promiscuity in fits and bursts, it’s important to remember to conduct yourself like a lady when spreading it all over town. If you’re a slut, then you’re a part of the slut community, and the rest of us sluts would really appreciate it if you didn’t give us a bad name by being a sloppy, ratchet ho.

That being said, the first rule of slutting up in the classiest way possible is: always use a condom. Always. Always and forever. Every time. Yeah, I get it, condoms are pretty boring and kind of uncool, but nothing’s more uncool than waking up one day with a pussy full of warts. Really, girlfriend, make him wrap that shit up. You could also try the female condom, although I heard it’s like fucking a plastic bag. Make sure to carry condoms on you at all times. Out of the Closet is a great thrift store that gives condoms away for free (yeah, they’re shitty, but they’re free), and you can swoop some from Planned Parenthood as well. Also, if you’re ever in the Castro, some bars just have them lying around and up for grabs.

The second rule: birth control. Yeah, even though you should be obeying the first rule religiously, I still highly recommend getting on birth control because, hey, condoms break. These things happen. We make mistakes and forget to use protection. Regardless of what it is, there’s still a chance of getting pregnant. And do you really want that to be your story? You were slutting around Oakland and now you’re pregnant? Is that your future? Some people are okay with that, but, personally, nah. I ain’t the one.

Thirdly, never kiss and tell. Most people are very private about their sex lives, and it’s important to respect that. Sure, you’re probably gonna dish to your best friends on how he or she performed in bed, which is chill, but keep that information tight. Don’t run around telling anyone who will listen that you banged so&so. It’s kinda trashy. It also looks like a desperate cry for attention. People probably already know you’re a slut, anyways, so getting labelled as a blabbermouth and a slut is bad for business. However, if you can keep shit on the DL, then every guy with a girlfriend will see what’s up, and then you can hit that, too.

The fourth rule is to watch your emotional attachments. If you’re getting emotionally attached to every person you sleep with, then slutting around might not be for you. When you fuck someone, you form a bond with that person, but it isn’t necessarily a bond that demands romance, love, or friendship. It is merely a shared experience, and that can be construed to mean anything from potential marriage or hey, we spent twenty minutes fucking in a broom closet, that’s cool. The thing about emotionally attaching to people is that it’s not something that requires consent from the other person, and emotional attachment makes people feel unduly entitled to your time and energy. So whether you’re beginning to emotionally attach to a partner, or a partner is beginning to emotionally attach to you, establish your boundaries. Enforce your boundaries. Learn to take no for an answer, and learn how to do it without any undue temper tantrums or chaotic displays of emotion. We’re adults. We move on.

The fifth rule of slutting around gracefully is the text back rule. Be chill about texting. Don’t blow people’s phone up. It is not a good look!

Number six: the two week rule. If you haven’t had any private contact or sex within two weeks of the initial hook up, then it’s time to move on. After two weeks, there’s no point in pursuing that person consistently anymore. Sure, at some point in the future the opportunity might present itself again. But, for now, if two weeks have passed and nothing, then keep moving forward with your life.

The seventh rule is all about rejection. Learn to handle rejection. Yeah, I know, rejection sucks, but if you can calmly step away from situation without throwing a tantrum or causing a scene, then even if you don’t get sex at least you’ll get respect. Handle rejection like a lady. Just turn and walk away. That’s all it takes. If your texts get no responses, then stop texting. Don’t show up to his spots, hoping to see him. Don’t talk to his friends, trying to find out where he’ll be. No means no means no, and there’s something decidedly unsexy about a woman who puts herself out there after she has been shut down. Walking away is much sexier.

The eighth rule is head nod and “what’s up.” If you see one of your current or former partners unexpectedly in public, you definitely have to acknowledge him, but you don’t necessarily need to have a conversation. This is part of staying cool as a cucumber, and it’s also part of game. Don’t be rude by ignoring him, but being coy will make him chase after you. Also, you don’t know if he’s spitting game at someone already, and cock blocking your sexual partner is totally lame.

For the ninth rule, mind the social strata. Just because you don’t kiss and tell doesn’t mean that everyone else abides by that rule. Assume that everyone knows and no one knows. If you don’t hear anything about it, then it’s possible that everyone knows and no one cares. Or, maybe no one knows. Men talk amongst themselves about their sexual conquests, and sometimes when men become territorial about women, they can butt heads when they discover that they have had the same sexual partner. Keep your booty calls socially separate to avoid confusion and disaster.

And number ten? This is my last rule, and it’s incredibly important: be awesome in bed. Be a good lay. Have fun fucking. Enjoy sex. Do it because you love it. Be a slut because it brings you joy and pleasure. Any other reason for sleeping around is pretty bull shit, so don’t give the rest of us sluts a bad name by being bad in bed and not even enjoying sex. There are plenty of other sluts out there who will gladly take your place in someone else’s bed, so move over, hoe.